I'll GO where YOU want ME to GO

We have all heard and sang that song in church many times and I know I have found myself at times just singing the words and not really taking into the effect of what we are really saying. The past few years with all the changes we have done those words of the song have really began to hit me hard.

AND yet AGAIN we have found ourselves YET again GOING WHERE HE WANTS US TO GO!

I have talked a lot in the last few posts how the feelings and impressions we got in Septemeber of 09 to move to Washington have unfolded A WHOLE new meaning of why we were brought here. With that move MANY things have transpired for me and I cant even begin to express how thankful we both are. With this move it has not brought any openings for Ryan in either school or work. He felt the desire and feelings of the need to go to school but has not been able to find the right program or school to get into. He has had more than a handful of interviews BUT nothings has opened up for him.

A few months back I had this overwhelming feeling that we were done here in Seattle. I didnt know what was coming but I felt that a change was on its way. When I talked about the need to be like Nephi back at the end of January those were some of the feelings I was having as how are we to go forward and where.

Ryan approached me a few months back about looking at different schools outside of Washington and teaching postions. He then approached me with one school in particular, a school that was in a place that I would be able to get a job quickly and easily, and for the first time in dealing with a move we would know our surroundings.

I was upset at first. I told him that I didnt want to pick up and move just so that I could have a good job with better pay so that he could "see if it would work out"! For a few weeks I struggled with the idea and just thought Ryan was blowing off steam.

He then apporached me again with the idea as he was filling out the application on line. As we drove to the temple a few days later he turned and looked at me and said, How do you feel? I said I dont know. It feels right but why are you REALLY wanting to go there!

He then holds back tears and begins to tell me that he has felt for the past 6 months that he needed to look elsewhere for school and the feelings for this certain school were very strong. He told me he didnt want to move again and pushed it away. He told me he was sick of moving and didnt want to leave Washington. He had wanted to buy a home right by our apartment now and be here and set roots down BUT he said that is not the plan.

After we got done with the temple I too felt that the decision to press forward with the school and move was what we were suppose to do. I quickly made some phone calls to some dear friends for job opprotunities and was quickly welcomed to the thought of being back with them and was offered a job and could start as soon as I got to our new home.

So where are we going? I heard a song on the RADIO the other day with the CHORUS that said, I'M COMING HOME, I'M COMING HOME. When I think of the place that we are moving too, I do really feel this way, HOME. For some reason Ryan and I really LOVE the Southwest and consider it HOME.

So VIVA LAS VEGAS it is!!!

We moved there in May of 2005 and moved away May 2008
We will arrive the end of June 2011 and we would love to set ROOTS there BUT we all know that when we want to settle we move so I am not saying anything but that we will be there till it is time to take us to our next place Heavenly Father has for us to be.

I have been packing the past few days and for some reason I feel like I have done this once before----------------------OH wait, more like 7!

At least I have a system down and over all these moves I really have weeded out what we REALLY need and DONT! I have been trying to keep myself together as I have struggled with SO many emotions the past few weeks.

I am sure some of you are WONDERING.............

WHAT ABOUT THE TREATMENTS?
WHAT ABOUT THE DOCTOR?
Karmann HAS FOUND OUT ALL THESE ANSWERS and IS NOW LEAVING?? WHAT??

Believe me- I HAVE HAD THE SAME ???'s in my mind over and over and over.

I had my first infusion done on March 25th ( that is the IV treatment for 5 hours) 

and after two months of VERY sucessful hormone treatments, I of course was like this is PERFECT, this is IT!!! I will get pregnant this month have three months with Dr. Levy have all that I need done here and we move to Las Vegas and things will be great!!!!!

Well, that isnt the PLAN. I am not pregnant. My doctor was in COMPLETE shock and really disappointed. I think maybe even more than me!!! I have to be HONEST and say that I had a BIG back and forth crying, yelling, crying, talking, crying, praying session on

WHY!?

Why have I found out ALL these answers
Why have I found this doctor and started these treatments and
then we are to MOVE!!???!!

I still get emotional each time I think about it because YET again I have my hopes right there ready for the BEST news of my LIFE and the sweet soft voice of spirit tells me

Karmann, your treatments and all you have done and found out were not in vain. You will by the time you leave have had what you need to help your body and when it is
TIME then there will be NO need to worry but NOW is not the TIME.

Do you know HOW many TIMES I have come to this POINT where I think-
THIS IS IT!!???!!

Oh wait- if you read my talk then you do!!

BUT what else is there to do BUT

Go forward
Leave Washington and
Trust

That WHATEVER is in store in Las Vegas will happen just like things happened here.

We are REALLY moving and GOING on faith because we still have yet to KNOW if Ryan got into

For the Masters Program for Special Education. He told me we are going

NO MATTER WHAT!

I tell my boss tomorrow, we move out of our apartment on the 21st of May move back to Eatonville till the 15th of June. We then head to Utah for my Family Reunion. Ryan will drive me down to Vegas and he will fly back to Seattle and stay in WA till the end of August. He has a good job here and his mom needs him since his dad is going through Chemo and Radiation for Throat Cancer. It will be a long 2 months without him but we both feel it is right. So what can you do

BUT

GO WHERE HE WANTS YOU TO GO!

I had the opprotunity to go to

this past weekend with my sister. It was a GREAT weekend with her and family as we were SPIRITUALLY uplifed and edified.

 I thought I would share some of my thoughts with you since it some of the things go RIGHT along with my post.

If you recall the song I have been referring to there is a part that says in the chorus

I'll BE what you want me to BE

The theme for this year is



The whole weekend was focused on how to BECOME

We learned that Learning and Knowledge is the SECRET to BECOMING

We learned that we ALL have to LEARN to BLAZE our OWN PATH

What does that mean? BLAZE our OWN path?

What I got from the talk was that we EACH have to LEARN to really LISTEN to the SPIRIT as we EACH have an UNIQUE path that we ARE going and IF we TRUST and LET him TAKE us on our PATH then we gain that KNOWLEDGE and BECOME more like CHRIST and MORE of the PERSON we are MEANT to BE!

I found myself really looking over the past 8 years. All the KNOWLEDGE that I have gained both SPIRITUAL and SECULAR. I have not become a MOTHER either biological or adopted because MY PATH was meant to cross SO many families with sweet little ANGELS that needed ME. For some reason I was meant to be in their life. As I PUSH forward in the wait to be a MOM because I have been PROMISED it will happen I realize that I am to BLAZE yet again a PATH in Vegas where there are some little boys and girls who NEED me. The talent of my PROFESSION was NOT an accident and it makes me UNIQUE. 

The conference REALLY brought a GREATER perspective for me and

FILLED me YET again with HOPE!

WHICH then only GIVES you MORE FAITH and the ability to

HOLD on a LITTLE LONGER and TRUST that he knows best!

I am going to miss Washington. I am going to miss the friendships I have made and how much closer I have gotten to family.

CHANGE is SO very HARD for me. I think that is WHY I have had to do it SO many times because it is something that I need in order to GROW.

I am LOOKING forward to seeing all that transpires with this MOVE as it did with the one here and of COURSE will let you ALL in on the JOURNEY!