Why me?

A little over a month a go I was asked by my Supervisor if I would take on a different part of my responsibilities for my job. I was asked to run an Autism Playgroup for some of our families that we serve on Tues and Thurs mornings at one of our sites. My first response in my head was NO. I have a lot on my plate and the thoughts of the added stress and preparation that goes into doing those groups filled my mind. I have done it before in Las Vegas and Utah and it takes a toll on you physically and emotionally. I am working on not adding any extra stress to my mind and body and wondered if this would be a good idea. I asked if I could have a few days to think about it. I took those few days to weigh my options and the more I thought about it the more I felt I needed to say yes even though my heart was not excited about what it would all entail.

After saying yes I would have to continually switch my caseload around in the week to be able to meet and attend the meetings and details that were pertaining to the group. I was having a hard time figuring out my place and what I was suppose to do. I was beginning to wonder if what I felt was wrong and if I had not made the right choice on saying yes.

Two weeks ago as a company we met downtown Phoenix for our quarterly meetings. This meeting is where all the sites in the area meet and discuss different topics. This meeting was not a pleasant topic. Due to needing more funding to accomindate the large population of families that we serve and not being able to be given that funding the Company had to decide to not renew one of our contracts with the state. This means that we will be no longer serving children in are area with a delay in one area of development. My first reaction was "my families"! I have over 16 families on my caseload that would fit under this change and I would no longer serve them! The next thought came to me. What about my co-workers that just deal with those families, like service coordination? Then the next part that was told to us was we are only going to continue the Autism Playgroup, Feeding groups and serving children with a delay in two areas of development. At that point I began to realize what was really happening. Many of my friends/co-workers that I have met and gotten to know were being let go. The company was not only not resigning a contract to serve families but was also needing to let go workers. My heart sank. I began to cry. I had said yes to doing the playgroups. I still had a job. I looked around the room and saw faces of worry, sadness, concern, and I felt over whelmed. Why me? Why am I in this room ok! It isnt fair!

As I went home I was numb. I cried and cried and cried. I felt so thankful to have been prompted to do what I needed to do and to say yes to the playgroup when I was not sure how it would all pan out. I know that Heavenly Father was helping me and putting me where I needed to be but yet I cant help but feel so unworthy and so sad for my friends and co workers. This week is my last week serving those sets of families. It has been a hard couple of weeks having to tell them that I will no longer be with them. It has been hard to get together with my co-workers knowing that they are trying to find work and figuring things out and knowing that I am ok. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. I pray for them and hope that they will be guided and blessed. I walk out of this experience with a knowledge that he knows us! As long as we are doing what we are suppose to and living close enough to the spirit we will be guided to be where we need to be. Not to say that it will always have a happy ending but to know that when we follow the spirit we can not go wrong.