Finding Strength in the Darkest Moments

I am sorry that my posts have not been the most uplifting news and this one is not going to be an exception. I just need a place to put my thoughts and feelings out there so if you choose to not read on I totally understand.

Funny thing, last week I was feeling better and back to work and going forward in life. By Sunday I was having a hard time breathing again and waking up to coughing spasms. I couldnt understand why, I had finished my anitbiotics and should not be sick again. I waited till yesterday to finnally go back to the doctors when I couldnt take a deep breath. Well I ended up with one of these right after the doctor took a listened to my lungs. Fun Fun. I have the stupid sickness back again! We went over the prescriptions that were given to me last time and it turns out that one of them was not just for energy like the doctor had told me. I stopped taking that particular one since I had energy half way through. WELL>>>>>>> it was also for inlfamtion of the lungs and for sinuses. So needless to say I got it again ARRH!!!!!

Along with getting sick again, I experienced yet another downer. I was due for my period on Monday and by Wed was getting excited. I took a test and got a very faint positive. I got excited but had to hold myself back cause I had seen that kind of positive and it never has brought a great outcome. I called the doctor since I would need the RH- shot to help with my body from rejecting the baby. They seem to think it is why and since the shot has expired I knew I needed it FAST. They had an appointment for the next day. Well the next day, Thursday brought on spotting and by the middle of the day I knew what was coming. I went to the doctors and the pregnancy test that they had was neg. They all gave me hugs and were so sweet. I got the stupid shot and for some reason thought there could be a chance that it would help over ride the outcome that I new was coming but nope. Last night I started cramping again and this morning passed my little baby yet again. I put it in a sanwhich bag and just keep looking at it. I know, kind of creepy but it just amazes me that I cant seem to get past this point. I told my family that I am thinking of taking it around and telling everyone that I had a baby and here it is and see if people would be happy for me since i cant seem to get to have the real deal. I know, I need to be put in a PHYSC ward!! I am trying to find some humor in this not so funny situation.

Now going to the reason I picked this title for my post. I am amazed on how I feel today. I KNOW with out a doubt that Heavenly Father is here with me. I cant explain how I feel but that I have this warm blanket around me and I cant be sad. I just keep thinking that it was a blessing that I was able to get to the doctors and get my shot and the next time it will be the perfect timing. I also keep thinking, I have been so sick and lost 9 pounds ( I was shocked when I stepped on the scale at the doctors!! Yikes! Not good!). I know that things just were not right at this time. Is it weird to feel peace through this whole thing? I cant help but be so thankful for this wonderful blessing that I am experiencing of comfort. I really dont know what I would do with out the gospel in my life!! I dont know how I would go through these trials with out the knowledge that I know. I feel so thankful to know that there is a plan for me, I KNOW I will be a mother. I have been promised and Heavenly Father doesnt break his promises. I never imagined that I would have to go through something like this but feel thankful due to the relationship I have gained with my Savior and his atoning love for me by this trial of wanting to enjoy the blessings of Motherhood. If you ever wonder if GOD loves you, you can come to me cause I can NOT deny it because even in the darkest moments it is through his love that you and I can find strength!