Tender Mercies

    Since I am private now I feel better about sharing my personal feelings, thoughts, and experiences without feeling like the whole world is reading and hoping that those of you who do choose to read will love me and not judge me on my imperfections as a I strive to be a better person each day and thanks to a loving Heavenly Father he allows that to happen and puts me in situations where I can do just that.

When we found out we were going to move to Washington I of course was sad to leave Arizona and all that came with it and of course excited to be around family and spend time with loved ones more often but there was a part of me that was so apprehensive, scared, nervous, and worried about how I would do emotionally being around Ryan's two brothers families since they both have children of their own and have to deal with it more than a visit once every couple of years.

For the past five years I have dealt with this split personality of being happy, excited, supportive, and showing all the love that I could in support of watching my sister in laws have beautiful babies of their own and then dealing with the other side that portrayed jealousy, resentment, anger, sadness, and depression. I was in a constant roller-coaster of feeling those AWEFUL feelings and then feeling so guilty that it made my heart just sink cause I am not that type of person nor do I ever want to be but yet continued to feel those feelings. I would do my hardest to NOT be that way and would pray so hard to get over it. It would last for a little while and I would be fine but then I would see cute pictures or hear stories and the AWEFUL feelings would come crashing in. It didnt help living far away because I would just let my mind take me places that were unruly and just plain out of control. I then would be in a series of depression as I would try to wrap my head around my actions and feelings and try to get a grip because......  Who thinks like that? What an AWEFUL person I am!!! I love them so much so why am I doing this?

I knew this Summer would be a time where all five kids would be here together and there would be a new family picture taken and the new cousins would be with each other and I again let my mind go crazy of thoughts of.........not wanting it to happen, so scared that I would be looked at as stupid or incompetent since I could not contribute to the cousins, left out, I could go on and on. I even thought of taking a vacation and being gone for part of it so I wouldnt have to deal with it. CRAZY talk I know!

The past month due to the reason why it took me so long to switch over the blog to private is mainly because Ryan's second youngest brother and his family decided to come in May instead of July for a three and a half week visit because they live in Quebec Canada.  The whole family had not been together since Thanksgiving of 08...... 2 1/2 years!!! When we all saw each other there was one grandchild and now there is 5.

They arrived on a Thursday and I had gotten home from work and was waiting outside on the porch for them to come home since they all went to the park. I was so nervous with how things would be, so dumb, I know. The cars pulled up and I will NEVER forget what happened. Little Norah ( 3 ) was in the backseat just starring so intently at me....... a full study of my face. I opened her door and helped her out of the car seat. She got down put her arms up and asked me to pick her up. She wrapped her arms around me so tightly and then leaned back and looked at me and then said to me so sweetly.................... I love you! !   Tears streamed down my face! I hadnt seen her since she was 17 months old and she will be four in Aug. Her sweet little spirit knew me and touched my heart, softened my heart, right then and there I felt the spirit so strong it was going to be a WONDERFUL visit. As the weeks went by it ended up being such an AMAZING visit. We didnt do a whole lot of things outside the house due to the weather being well RAINING but we did do a lot of visiting and hanging out.

As I was teaching my Young Womens class a couple of sundays ago it was on learning how to council with the Lord. I told them of my spiritual experiences that came from counseling with the Lord especially this move. I told them how this move has ended up being more for me than Ryan. All the medical things that have fallen into place have been such a blessing. Then the thoughts and words came flying out of my mouth as tears began to run down my face. The most important reason now for moving here was for me to get over the awful feelings and totally be able to encompass the fact of that it is ok to not have kids, its ok to be an Aunt and that both my nieces and nephew love me and how much I love them but most importantly be able to face the POWERFUL effects Satan has had on my mind and that he no longer can take over me. I needed to be living here to be able to experience this CHANGE. I have been praying for years to try to get over this and have not been successful. Heavenly Father knew I needed this and he knew how.

Words cant even begin to express how much I love my two sister n laws, who I call sisters and my dear friends. Words cant even begin to express the burden that I have carried on my chest as I have struggled the two sides of emotions and how much I have hated every min of it. How much it has taken a toll on my emotional limits and how thankful that it is completely over. Words cant describe how much I look forward to seeing my niece and nephew each week and how my niece makes me so happy when she lets me put her to sleep, reaches for me and gives me the biggest smile when she sees me. All of this is TENDER MERCIES from above.

As I sit and write this post tears flow down my face as I think of the appreciation and mercy of our Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for the gospel in my life and for the opportunity to grow and be better each day.

Here are some fun pictures of Family Time Together:

Ryan and Isaac at the Seattle Science Center

Sean and his two girls, Norah and Sophie

Everyone on the floor getting ready to watch the laser show

Alyssa and Kyle

Our last night all together


Ryan and Norah

Pictures of the three sisters ( Norah hanging on my leg)

All of the girls together

All of the boys together

Heidi and Claire

Kyle with Norah and Sophie

Norah, Sophie and I