A complete puzzle
It's 4:25 in the morning. I awoke to the impression to write my experience yet again that has occurred in the past few months and especially what has occurred in the past few days! I know with out a doubt that this whole experience I have truly been lead and guided by a LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER and with out the impressions of the HOLY GHOST and the ability to recognize and follow I would not be here at this moment with a COMPLETE PUZZLE!
I am sorry that I have neglected my blog the past few months. I am not even sure if anyone still reads it anymore or is even interested in what I have to say. I have always wondered if you all get sick of my same old posts that are concerning the roller coaster of my journey to be a Mother. I apologize if that is the truth but then again I have felt impressed to share my journey and to tell my story so there has to be at least one of you that has benefited from my ups, downs, sideways, circles, and derailed coaster!
This is going to be VERY LONG! I am very DETAILED so I understand that you may want to disregard and skip! There will be little to no PICTURES that are visible from the page but I guarantee as you begin to read I pray that there will be a picture in your mind of what has occurred and you wont regret what you are to begin to read. Here goes NOTHING! :)
My last post I wrote that I was waiting to see a doctor who was suppose to help me. I had been lead to him by one of the girls that I had encountered by work. He was helping her with her multiple miscarriages and I had felt an overwhelming feeling that he is the next step here in Vegas.
I wait 2 1/2 months to see him! I see him on January 17th for a scheduled 2 hour visit. I prayed and prayed that he would have taken the time to read over my medical records and not have to make me tell my story of the losses and go into detail of all the tests when he has them all in front of him. I was suppose to meet with the Genetic Counselor before him and spend about an hour with her. I told the receptionists when I made the appointment that would not be necessary but she insisted.
Tuesday January 17-
Nervous, anxious, excited, and overwhelmed I walk into the office at 8:30 for my 8:45 visit. I hate sitting at doctors offices! My heart feels like it is going to explode out of my chest and I am wearing BLACK of course so that my TACO armpits stay hidden from the TERRIBLE TERRIBLE nervous sweat that I do!
I get called back on time which I thought was CRAZY! I see the Genetic Counselor and she sits me down and tells me that she is overwhelmed by my case and is so sorry for all that I have been through. I tell her thank you and that I am sorry for not being a cut and dry case. She then tells me that her visit with me will be very short since Ryan and I had already done all of the necessary testing that she would advise us to do. She tells me that we are perfectly normal and genetically looking at us should be able to have a normal healthy baby. She said that Dr. Masaki would be in shortly to finish out the appointment. I thanked her and waited yet again.
In walks a short little Japanese man with coffee in hand and his head shaking back and forth! He introduces himself and then gives me a hug while saying, KARMANN, KARMANN,KARMANN!!
Your case is so overwhelming! I cannot believe that one person has gone through so many horrible and hard things! I am just overwhelmed with reading your 300+pages of medical records and cannot believe that you have endured 8 miscarriages! I am so complexed to why it kept happening and why only at 5 weeks.
I look at my file. He has color coded all of the pages and grouped the into sections. I feel this sense of peace that my prayers had been answered! He had truly looked over every page and he was walking into this visit prepared to talk with me, give me a PLAN, and move forward to get my BABY here!!!
He tells me that he has a few questions to help make things a little more clearer for him.
1. He asks about the experience and tests done in Arizona. I tell him what was done and why we stopped with treatment due to the doctor not figuring out why I miscarry and wanted to go further with Invirto. I told him why would I pay thousands of dollars to get pregnant which I know I can and then throw that money down the toilet and miscarry!
2. He then asks me if I saw the two doctors in California that I sent my blood work to who are the ones that discovered that I have Natural Killer Cell problem? I tell him I never met them but my doctor in Seattle was referred to send them my blood to find out. He then tells me that he went to school with Dr. Matzner and Dr. Cong and knows them very very well. I get ExCITED!!! No way! He then goes to tell me that he doesnt know anything about NK cells and that he thinks it is not really a FDA approved medical thing and does not really agree but will call them to find out more information. He is surprised about all the information that I knew about it as we began to talk since I have done a ton of research. We leave it as he will call and move on to the next question.
3. He then begins to tell me, So I love Dr. Levy in Seattle! She has the best handwriting and I can read everything that she did with you under the guidance of Dr. Cohen. I see that she put you on this high dosage of estrogen and progesterone to help your uterus and your lining of the uterus. I told him yes. He then states, KARMANN, Why did you NOT GET PREGNANT with this regiment that you did with her from Feb-May? You had everything PERFECT and yet you still did NOT END UP PREGNANT? I was a little taken back! I wasn't sure what to say, I mean that is WHY I was sitting in his office! I was waiting for him to tell me why!!! I knew why SPIRITUALLY, I figured I had suffered through enough miscarriages to get me to be noticed by doctors and then I was blessed to not have anymore till it was time to have my baby but I did NOT know why MEDICALLY.
He tells me that he is not so sure it was a hormone problem if I did not get pregnant while on all of those drugs in a perfect set up like I had. He said he would call Dr. Levy and discuss with her.
4. He then tells me............I am NOT SURE I AM the DOCTOR for you!!! I really think you need to see a REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST!!!!!!! I am pretty sure no one here in the Valley knows anything about Natural Killer cells but I am sure that one of them will be able to help you and figure out what they need to do with you.
I say WHAT????!!!!!!????? He repeats himself and I go from 1-10 in anger!!! I tell him, YOU ARE NOT AREPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST!!!!!!! That is who I thought I was seeing!!!!!
He then tells me no I am a High Risk Pregnancy doctor. He then says I wondered why you were sent to me!
In my head I am thinking OH MY GOSH I just spent 2 1/2 months waiting for the WRONG doctor!!! Then I calm down and the feelings of, You felt he was the right doctor came into my mind. I was so confused why did I feel impressed to see him and yet he is not the doctor for me!
4. He can see the look of total confusion on my face and then brings me back into the conversation. He tells me there are 4 REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST in the Vegas valley and he is friends with two of them. He tells me to go home and see if they are on my insurance. If they are he will call both of them and discuss my case with them and between the 3 of them decide who is the better doctor to take on my case. He says I will then contact my two friends in California and call Dr. Levy. Once I have talked to everyone I will call you back and we will go forward with care.
I thank him. He gives me the biggest hug and tells me you are the hardest case that has ever walked threw my door BUT I am bound and determined to help you and get you that baby~
As I walk out the door into the waiting room I see my Co-worker and his wife. We were shocked to see one another. He and his wife have also had their struggle with miscarriages. She is now 28 weeks and was there for an ultra sound. I find out that she too has Dr. Masaki and she tells me how wonderful he is. I tell her I dont think that I will be with him since he is thinking he is not the doctor for me but I agree he is a great doctor. I tell my co-worker that I will see him for our 6 o'clock appointment and I leave.
I go right home to see if those 2 REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST are on my insurance.
THEY ARE!!! Then my heart drops, THEY ARE FERTILITY doctors!!!!! I look over the two names and the two fertility centers. I read over the first one: Dr. Sharpiro and Dr. Daneisman for the Fertility Center of Las Vegas and then read Dr. Sher at the SHER institute. As soon as I read over the second name the spirit washes over me and I know that is the doctor that I will see! I know that is where I am going next. I call the doctors office back and let her know that both of the doctors or fertility centers take my insurance and sit back and wait for him to call me back. I then go to the computer and look up Fertility Center of Las Vegas. I read over the website and there is nothing on there about the knowledge of Autoimmune problems or Natural Killer cells. I am then reassured that it is not where I am to go. I then go and look up the SHER institute. I read over the website and scroll over the different things: IVF, Artificial Insemination, surrogate, egg donors, egg freezing, ect. I then scroll over the word IMMUNOLOGY!!! My heart starts to pump and I click on the link.
RECURRENT MISCARRIAGE LOSS-
We test for NATURAL KILLER cells and MATCHING DQ ALPHA GENOTYPES!!!!
I am crying!!! There is a place here in the valley that will know what I have! This is the center that Dr. Masaki will send me too! This is where I am suppose to go!
Now I begin to see why I needed to go to him! He knows the doctor will call him tell him of my case and then will make the process easy and it will be so much better then if I just go in myself.
-Back tracking about 3 weeks-
I have been feeling I need to find a Chiropractor in the valley! I need to get going on making sure my spine is in line. I am overwhelmed by the names on the medical list and dont know where to start. I begin to pray for guidance on where I should go.
After I get done with reading over the different websites I feel the impression to post on facebook a little blurb of my visit. So I do. About an hour later I recieve a facebook message from one of my guy friends from Dixie College. I hadnt talked or seen him since 2000 when I moved up to Utah State. He begins to tell me that he lives in the Vegas Valley and is a Chiropractor. He tells me that he and his wife have had struggles with fertiltiy and not with jumping to conclusions from my last post got the impression that I had too and he wanted to help me in anyway that he could.
I am not kidding you when I dropped to the floor and began to cry and cry hard! I know for a fact that Jordan was lead to see my post and that he was lead to write me that note. I dont have time to call him right away since I needed to get to my 6 o'clock homevisit.
My family was running late so my co-worker and I just started talking. He tells me he has a story for me. He tells me that Dr. Masaki is NEVER late for his appointments. I then tell him I know! I was put in right on time. He then said, we were 45 minutes late to our ultra sound! I tell him. I am so sorry! He then tells me that Dr. Masaki came into the room apologizing for being late and then begins to tell them that he had the most complicated, overwhelming case come in this morning and he needed to take time to go through things and set things up. He then smiles and says, he was talking about YOU!
I then know I am in good care and that I was sent to him for a reason! He will send me to the right doctor and we are on our WAY!!!! I say a prayer of thanks and my heart is full!
After my visit I call my friend Jordan and he is so happy to hear from me because he thought I was upset by the message. I tell him not at all and that he was totally inspired to write it and how thankful I was for him! He then tells me of their personal struggle and I am brought to tears! I wish that his wife and him had not had to suffer the way they have. He then tells me they are pregnant again and she is doing really well. He then offers to help me in anyway that he can. He offers to help me as a service knowing the benefits of the chiropractic technique and working with a doctor. I tell him I did not expect a free service and I was willing to pay. But he insisted. I thanked him and set up my first appointment with him in two days.
What a DAY! What an emotional day but as I prepared for bed my prayers were filled with nothing but PURE GRATITUDE because ALL that occurred today was from my LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER and SAVIOR! NOTHING today was by accident!
I begin seeing Jordan regularly and the WAIT begins!
I am shocked how quickly 2 weeks go by! I still have not heard from the doctor but feel that he has a lot to do so it is ok. I didnt think I would hear from him right away.
3 weeks go by- STILL NOTHING
4 weeks go by-STILL NOTHING- Ok time to call- It's time!
Tuesday Feb. 14th
I call and the receptionist tells me I am not sure you heard the doctor correct! I dont think he told you he would call you back!!!!!!!!!!!! I was like, OH NO! This is not going to go down like this again! I tell her again, I promise I left with him telling me to check on doctors let him know and that he would call them and get back to me with a plan. She then tells me ok and that she would leave a message for him.
Friday Feb 16th
I call back since I had not heard from him. The receptionist is shocked since he ALWAYS calls his clients back that day even if it is at 9 at night. I reassure that he did not call and to please have him call me. I figure he still has some last minute things to put together and that is why. She tells me he doesn't work again till Monday so expect a call Monday night. Ok.
Tuesday Feb 21st Still have not heard from him. We are now 5 weeks since I last saw him! I call again and the receptionist is shocked again that I still have not heard from him. She tells me she will call and email him again and that he will either call me back or she will.
Tuesday Feb 21st in the afternoon. I get a call from Dr. Masaki. He tells me that he was sorry for taking a little while to get back to me. He tells me how much he enjoyed the conversation he had with Dr. Levy in Seattle and how they discussed her personnel case with her daughter having a baby with the findings of the NK cells. He then tells me he doesn't buy it but he cannot persuade her since she now has a grandson to love on.
For a moment I am a little struck by the words, he doesn't buy the NK cells, but let it go as he begins to talk how he has spoken to the doctors and is sending me to Dr. Daneshmand at the Fertility Center of Las Vegas. I am taken back for a second and say, you mean Dr. Sher? He said No Dr. Daneshmand. I am confused but he tells me they have spoken and he is not that well known about NK cells but he is ready to do what needs to be done and knows that I do not want to do INVIRTO and to not even put that on the table. He tells me he is sending over my records and that they should be calling me very soon. I am excited but confused and tell him thank you.
I thought I was going to go to Dr. Sher but maybe what I felt was wrong and he is referring me so I guess that I am going to go to the right place.
Twenty minutes later the Fertility Center of Las Vegas calls me and wants to schedule my appointment. They can get me in the following Wednesday Feb. 29 at 3. WOW that was so fast! Ok perfect! She then begins to take down my information. She then asks for Ryan's. I tell her there is no need for his he is not the one needing to be seen or dealt with. She insists! I get a yucky feeling of they are going to charge him and he doesn't have insurance! I for some reason cannot remember his social and she just says she will get it when I come in.
I am excited. Why shouldn't I be? I am moving forward. He is willing and ready to take on what I have done already and we are set to go!
Wednesday Feb. 29th-LEAP YEAR!
Ryan is home from school and is waiting to go with me. RIght before we go to leave I feel that he should not go. I have this horrible feeling that they are going to charge him and he doesnt have insurance so it would be 400.00. He looks at me funny and says whatever! I want to be there but if you dont think I should then I will wait for you at home.
3:00- I walk into the Center and immediately feel uneasy. I dont feel like I am where I am suppose to be and feel like this is not going to be good. I am taken back to his office and he sits me down to go over my history. He is a very nice man and comes off very knowledgeable. We go over the tests I have done and what has occurred with the losses. He then tells his take on the NK cells. He does not believe in it! It is not valid. It is crazy talk and in his own polite way, I was a fool to fall for it! He then tells me that he has a better plan and goes over the tests that need to be done. He tells me that he read that I had a small uterus from the Hysterscope. I tell him yes but by using the high dosage of drugs when my dr. in Seattle did the test over she told me my uterus had grown to the full size. She was amazed but that it did in deed. He told me IMPOSSIBLE! He told me that drugs would not allow that to happen! It might have grown a little bit but not from the size that what was written to where it should be. He then tells me that we will need to do testing over. He needs to be the one to do them. I tell him why? The tests are not that old and what would have changed? He then tells me things can change in 3 months with the uterus? WHAT???!!!???? You just told me not POSSIBLE!!!!
By this time I am just listening and pretending to take it in like I am interested. He tells me that he is thinking my only option for success will be INVIRTO he will know for sure after he does my tests but he is leaning towards that!!! Inside I am BURNING mad but hold it together with my smile and pretend to buy into his CRAP! He then takes me to his Nurse who would go over all my schedule to follow for testing.
I then find out that Ryan will FIRST have to have a Semen Analysis done before the insurance will even consider paying for any of my tests! WHAT? This has nothing to do with Ryan. Ok whatever if that is all I guess it makes sense, UM NO! She then tells me we both have to do blood fasting work up and genetic testing. Since Ryan does not have insurance it will be out of pocket. I tell her we already did a very extensive Genetic testing in Arizona for both of us and the fasting work up. She then tells me well, our facility is way more extensive and we prefer to have our people do it. WHAT!!!! She then tells me that I need to have one test done again that the insurance will not pay for.
Here is the breakdown for expense:
Ryan:
Semen analysis: 419.00
Blood Work up Fasting:1,156.00
Genetic testing: 350.00
GRAND TOTAL: 1,925.00
Testing that we have already paid for and is not even necesarry!!!
Then me:
luckily the insurance was going to cover quite a bit BUT
The one test that I just had recently done in Seattle that he wants to do OVER again!
791.00!!! that the insurance does not cover!!!
350 for the genetic testing that is not covered by the insurance
GRAND TOTAL OUT of POCKET for BOTH OF US: 3.056 dollars!!!
She then says to me would you like to schedule Karl's semen analysis? I tell her no I need to go over his schedule and will get back to her. She gives me a hug and tells me I am at the right place and looks forward to working with me.
I cringe at the thought that she could sit there and look at me and feel good about herself! I cant believe what a dishonest terrible terrible place that is!!! How could anyone look at all the stuff I have already done, all the money I have already payed, all that I have gone through and still think it would be ok to TAKE ADVANTAGE of me!!! Yes, I want to be a mom BUT I AM NOT STUPID!!! That 3,056 that he wanted from me not to mention that 20,000 for INVIRTO which I know he was going to say I would have to do just payed for his new boat, crusise, home in Hawaii, or trip around the world! He was only thinking $$$$$$ signs and what he could get with my HEART and my PAIN!
I sit in my car and CRY! Why was I sent there! I knew from the beginning that it wasnt the right place for me but yet I was still sent there by the Dr. Masaki.
I go home. Cry to Ryan. Tell him how I hate FERTILITY doctors and how I cant believe I fell into the terrible trap yet again! I tell him at least this time I am in a WAY better place with our Fertility Situation and not able to be taken advantage. I tell him I am so glad that he didnt go because I am pretty sure they would have charged his visit! He doesnt say much but just holds me.
Before I fall asleep I get a text from my dear friend telling me that she thinks I had this expeirence so that I could learn that I should not doubt my feelings and impressions. I had already felt that that place was not a good one and not the place for me but instead went with "the world" or " man" trusting the doctor to send me to the right place instead of trusting the spirit and my impressions from GOD! I then recall again how I felt about Dr. Sher and that in the moring I will call the office and try to get an appointment.
I fall asleep pretty early. I am exhausted from the emotional let down
Next morning I awake around 4:30. I have the thoughts to get my medical records that are still at the OB/GYN office that I left there for them to copy and give back to me and to take them to Dr. Sher's office. I need to do it right away this morning. I know when I am woken up with thoughts to do something that I should do it so after my morning walk with my friend I hurry and get ready. I pick up my records and head over to the SHER INSTITUTE. It is right by where we used to live. I know the area really well. I say a PRAYER before I go in that if I am suppose to be here let things happen.
I walk in, heart racing, sweating! The receptionist asks me to sign in. I then tell her that I dont have an appointment. I tell her story tell her what happened yesterday and then begin to cry! I so wanted to hold it together but those of you who know me know that it is a hard thing for me to do. She gives me tissue and tells me. Well sweetie, I just got a cancellation today at 12. Would you like to come back at 12 and meet with Dr. Sher? I leap with joy inside while I try to compose my outer face! Yes, yes, I would love to come back and meet with him at 12! I dont have an appointment with work till 3 so that should be just fine. She then tells me that he is wonderful! He is very mindful of NK cells and that he will for sure be able to help me! I thank her and leave. She asks me to come back at 11:45.
I run to my car! My heart leaping with JOY, GRATITUDE, and so much LOVE! I begin to think! What if I hadnt listened to the spirit and went right away this morning I would have missed that cancelation and this WONDERFUL opportunity to meet with the Dr I knew from the VERY beginning that I was suppose to meet with! 12 could NOT come fast enough!!!!
11:45. I fill out the paper work and then sit and while I wait about 30 minutes have a prayer in my heart that if I am suppose to be here that I will learn and hear the missing pieces to my puzzle and that I will have answers and a plan to bring this baby that is suppose to come and that has been trying to come all these years!
12:15- I am taken back to Dr. Sher! I am greeted with a hug from a tall 70 year old man with an Australian Accent! He tells me what a crazy thing to walk into his office this morning in tears with my sitauation and that I just happened to have a cancelation. He tells me, I dont think it was by accident! I think you are meant to see me!
He then tells me he hasnt had a lot of time to look over my records but only the sheets that I filled out when I got here. He tells me just by reading over that he has an idea of what is going on with me and wants to help. He tells me that when he read over that i have had 8 miscarriages all at 5 weeks it makes him think I have a Natural Killer cell problem. I smile and tell him yes. He then states you will have to be tested and then we can know for sure. I tell him I have already been have the answers in the records. He smiles GREAT! One thing we wont need to do! He then tells me it seems that you and your husband might have some matching DQ ALPHA GENOTYPE. I tell him yes, we have 2. He then tells me that he wants to explain the whole process with me. How he came about to find this all out. He then tells me that he has offices around the country and here in Vegas is the headquarters.
He said before I get started I want to ask you when was the last time you got pregnant and miscarried. I tell him July of 09. He says so over 2 1/2 years ago. I tell him yes. He asked, have you EVER wondered why you could get pregnant back to back and so often and then that it has been over two years why havent you? I said EVERYDAY!
He then goes into detail of how the body works how the egg and the sperm work and then tells me that there is nothing wrong with my eggs or Ryan's sperm it is what is going on in my Uterus that is causing the problem. He tells me we all have Natural Killer cells they keep our body safe. He said the Uterus is a very special organ and is protected especailly for foreign objects. He tells me that I have an alumnae immune disorder which means when I got pregnant my body allowed the egg to implant but then the NK cells were triggered and said NO WAY and killed the cells in the uterus which then did not allow the baby to implant and then I misscarried. He said that I have a double wammy against me. I have the heightened NK cells and I have a 50/50 chance of having a matching DQALPHA GENOTYPE from Ryan. ( lamens terms: Because Ryan and I have two similar DQ ALPHA when the egg is fertilized by the sperm that carries the similiar genotype my body attacks it because it is not different then mine and does not belong in the body. When a typical sperm meets the egg the genotpye is suppose to be different then the egg. With the differen genotype it then triggers the body that there is a baby in the uterus and then the implantation begins. For me I have the body telling me it is not different and it is not suppose to be there and to send the NK cells attacking!! So even if i got pregnant with a sperm that was different then mine my body still would attack because of the NK cells being too high? MEANING DOUBLE WAMMY!)
He then tells me: The body is smart: After 8 times of allowing this to happen the NK cells are made even stronger and they attack the fertilzed egg and kill it WAY BEFORE it even has a CHANCE to try to implant and that it is why I HAVE NOT GOTTEN PREGNANT again in over 2 years!
The spirit is so strong and is confirming TRUTH that the words he is speaking to me are EXACTLY what has occurred and why now I am still not pregnant.
He then asks. I am sure you are wondering how we are going to go forward with this problem. He then tells me that he can make sure that I have the right dosage and correct medicine to not only help keep the NK cells under control but to also have the lining right and then he would do testing on the eggs that he retrieves and implant the correct genotype egg. He tells me that he can only do one egg due to my issue but that the one he picks will be the right one and the best chance of me taking it.
I begin to cry at this point! My worst fear has come true! The one treatment that I NEVER wanted to do or felt that I would have to do is what I need to do. He asked why I was crying. I should be happy. We have a plan and the plan works. I tell him I am happy for his answers I am happy for his plan but the cost of INVIRTO is such a damper on the whole situation. We dont have thousands of dollars to do this.
He tells me that he works with a bank here in town that sets up a loan for this process so that we do not have to pay it all in full if we dont have it. He then tells me that lots of his patients end up having left over medication and he will make sure to put my name at the top of the list to receive the free medicine. He said he wanted to help as much as he could. Again I feel peace and comfort with his words and for the first time ever the thought of going through INVITRO sounds ok and obviously do able! He mentioned for us to do a 2 cycle payment plan instead of the one so instead of 10,000 for one cycle we pay 15,000 for 2 cycles. With all the medication the total comes to about 17,000. This is not including the Interliplid Interfusions I will have to do each month that here in Vegas are done at Walgreens for 300 each time! Such difference then in Seattle! Needless to say! It is WAY more money then we have in our SAVINGS!
At least I know that if I pay for it I have a doctor who knows what he is doing and not just putting eggs inside me to miscarry.
After 2 1/2 hour visit with him he takes me to his finical lady and she walks me through the whole process. They set me up for a tenative start date of April 30th, give me BC pills to start in March and then we are good to go forward if we decide this is the plan. They both give me a hug and I tell them THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I go to the car! I feel so validated and feel like I have ALL my ANSWERS and now it is time to go forward with the plan.
I am scared and unsure of how we are going to afford the payment! I feel lead and guided to him. Once again I thought the move to Vegas was just for Ryan......................I was WRONG yet again! The move to Vegas was necesarry for me to be lead to this doctor. This doctor who could finish the work! This doctor who could ANSWER all my questions and put the LAST pieces of my PUZZLE together!
I am overwhelmed with the love of Savior Jesus Christ! It is through him that I have been able to endure, pick myself up, and continue to move forward trusting that he was leading the way! It has been just shy of 7 1/2 years of trying and 3 years since the many miscarriages began. I am at the end of this road. There is no more to be found out. I will either get pregnant with this treatment, a healing miracle occurs, or we turn to adoption.
I feel peace. I feel happy. I feel so very blessed. I have NO doubt that GOD lives!! I have NO doubt that he knows who I am!!! I have NO doubt that he has been by my side guiding my by the Holy Ghost to take me all over the United States these past 3 years all to get me where I need to be in the steps that were needed to be in the order they needed to be to get me her MARCH 3, 2012!
I ask for your prayers as Ryan and I have a huge decision to make. I know if we are suppose to go forward the Lord will provide! He has NEVER let me down yet! No matter what comes from this next step I know we will be parents and I know that I will be a mom and that is ONLY by the blessing of a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ!
I am sorry that I have neglected my blog the past few months. I am not even sure if anyone still reads it anymore or is even interested in what I have to say. I have always wondered if you all get sick of my same old posts that are concerning the roller coaster of my journey to be a Mother. I apologize if that is the truth but then again I have felt impressed to share my journey and to tell my story so there has to be at least one of you that has benefited from my ups, downs, sideways, circles, and derailed coaster!
This is going to be VERY LONG! I am very DETAILED so I understand that you may want to disregard and skip! There will be little to no PICTURES that are visible from the page but I guarantee as you begin to read I pray that there will be a picture in your mind of what has occurred and you wont regret what you are to begin to read. Here goes NOTHING! :)
My last post I wrote that I was waiting to see a doctor who was suppose to help me. I had been lead to him by one of the girls that I had encountered by work. He was helping her with her multiple miscarriages and I had felt an overwhelming feeling that he is the next step here in Vegas.
I wait 2 1/2 months to see him! I see him on January 17th for a scheduled 2 hour visit. I prayed and prayed that he would have taken the time to read over my medical records and not have to make me tell my story of the losses and go into detail of all the tests when he has them all in front of him. I was suppose to meet with the Genetic Counselor before him and spend about an hour with her. I told the receptionists when I made the appointment that would not be necessary but she insisted.
Tuesday January 17-
Nervous, anxious, excited, and overwhelmed I walk into the office at 8:30 for my 8:45 visit. I hate sitting at doctors offices! My heart feels like it is going to explode out of my chest and I am wearing BLACK of course so that my TACO armpits stay hidden from the TERRIBLE TERRIBLE nervous sweat that I do!
I get called back on time which I thought was CRAZY! I see the Genetic Counselor and she sits me down and tells me that she is overwhelmed by my case and is so sorry for all that I have been through. I tell her thank you and that I am sorry for not being a cut and dry case. She then tells me that her visit with me will be very short since Ryan and I had already done all of the necessary testing that she would advise us to do. She tells me that we are perfectly normal and genetically looking at us should be able to have a normal healthy baby. She said that Dr. Masaki would be in shortly to finish out the appointment. I thanked her and waited yet again.
In walks a short little Japanese man with coffee in hand and his head shaking back and forth! He introduces himself and then gives me a hug while saying, KARMANN, KARMANN,KARMANN!!
Your case is so overwhelming! I cannot believe that one person has gone through so many horrible and hard things! I am just overwhelmed with reading your 300+pages of medical records and cannot believe that you have endured 8 miscarriages! I am so complexed to why it kept happening and why only at 5 weeks.
I look at my file. He has color coded all of the pages and grouped the into sections. I feel this sense of peace that my prayers had been answered! He had truly looked over every page and he was walking into this visit prepared to talk with me, give me a PLAN, and move forward to get my BABY here!!!
He tells me that he has a few questions to help make things a little more clearer for him.
1. He asks about the experience and tests done in Arizona. I tell him what was done and why we stopped with treatment due to the doctor not figuring out why I miscarry and wanted to go further with Invirto. I told him why would I pay thousands of dollars to get pregnant which I know I can and then throw that money down the toilet and miscarry!
2. He then asks me if I saw the two doctors in California that I sent my blood work to who are the ones that discovered that I have Natural Killer Cell problem? I tell him I never met them but my doctor in Seattle was referred to send them my blood to find out. He then tells me that he went to school with Dr. Matzner and Dr. Cong and knows them very very well. I get ExCITED!!! No way! He then goes to tell me that he doesnt know anything about NK cells and that he thinks it is not really a FDA approved medical thing and does not really agree but will call them to find out more information. He is surprised about all the information that I knew about it as we began to talk since I have done a ton of research. We leave it as he will call and move on to the next question.
3. He then begins to tell me, So I love Dr. Levy in Seattle! She has the best handwriting and I can read everything that she did with you under the guidance of Dr. Cohen. I see that she put you on this high dosage of estrogen and progesterone to help your uterus and your lining of the uterus. I told him yes. He then states, KARMANN, Why did you NOT GET PREGNANT with this regiment that you did with her from Feb-May? You had everything PERFECT and yet you still did NOT END UP PREGNANT? I was a little taken back! I wasn't sure what to say, I mean that is WHY I was sitting in his office! I was waiting for him to tell me why!!! I knew why SPIRITUALLY, I figured I had suffered through enough miscarriages to get me to be noticed by doctors and then I was blessed to not have anymore till it was time to have my baby but I did NOT know why MEDICALLY.
He tells me that he is not so sure it was a hormone problem if I did not get pregnant while on all of those drugs in a perfect set up like I had. He said he would call Dr. Levy and discuss with her.
4. He then tells me............I am NOT SURE I AM the DOCTOR for you!!! I really think you need to see a REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST!!!!!!! I am pretty sure no one here in the Valley knows anything about Natural Killer cells but I am sure that one of them will be able to help you and figure out what they need to do with you.
I say WHAT????!!!!!!????? He repeats himself and I go from 1-10 in anger!!! I tell him, YOU ARE NOT AREPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST!!!!!!! That is who I thought I was seeing!!!!!
He then tells me no I am a High Risk Pregnancy doctor. He then says I wondered why you were sent to me!
In my head I am thinking OH MY GOSH I just spent 2 1/2 months waiting for the WRONG doctor!!! Then I calm down and the feelings of, You felt he was the right doctor came into my mind. I was so confused why did I feel impressed to see him and yet he is not the doctor for me!
4. He can see the look of total confusion on my face and then brings me back into the conversation. He tells me there are 4 REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST in the Vegas valley and he is friends with two of them. He tells me to go home and see if they are on my insurance. If they are he will call both of them and discuss my case with them and between the 3 of them decide who is the better doctor to take on my case. He says I will then contact my two friends in California and call Dr. Levy. Once I have talked to everyone I will call you back and we will go forward with care.
I thank him. He gives me the biggest hug and tells me you are the hardest case that has ever walked threw my door BUT I am bound and determined to help you and get you that baby~
As I walk out the door into the waiting room I see my Co-worker and his wife. We were shocked to see one another. He and his wife have also had their struggle with miscarriages. She is now 28 weeks and was there for an ultra sound. I find out that she too has Dr. Masaki and she tells me how wonderful he is. I tell her I dont think that I will be with him since he is thinking he is not the doctor for me but I agree he is a great doctor. I tell my co-worker that I will see him for our 6 o'clock appointment and I leave.
I go right home to see if those 2 REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST are on my insurance.
THEY ARE!!! Then my heart drops, THEY ARE FERTILITY doctors!!!!! I look over the two names and the two fertility centers. I read over the first one: Dr. Sharpiro and Dr. Daneisman for the Fertility Center of Las Vegas and then read Dr. Sher at the SHER institute. As soon as I read over the second name the spirit washes over me and I know that is the doctor that I will see! I know that is where I am going next. I call the doctors office back and let her know that both of the doctors or fertility centers take my insurance and sit back and wait for him to call me back. I then go to the computer and look up Fertility Center of Las Vegas. I read over the website and there is nothing on there about the knowledge of Autoimmune problems or Natural Killer cells. I am then reassured that it is not where I am to go. I then go and look up the SHER institute. I read over the website and scroll over the different things: IVF, Artificial Insemination, surrogate, egg donors, egg freezing, ect. I then scroll over the word IMMUNOLOGY!!! My heart starts to pump and I click on the link.
RECURRENT MISCARRIAGE LOSS-
We test for NATURAL KILLER cells and MATCHING DQ ALPHA GENOTYPES!!!!
I am crying!!! There is a place here in the valley that will know what I have! This is the center that Dr. Masaki will send me too! This is where I am suppose to go!
Now I begin to see why I needed to go to him! He knows the doctor will call him tell him of my case and then will make the process easy and it will be so much better then if I just go in myself.
-Back tracking about 3 weeks-
I have been feeling I need to find a Chiropractor in the valley! I need to get going on making sure my spine is in line. I am overwhelmed by the names on the medical list and dont know where to start. I begin to pray for guidance on where I should go.
After I get done with reading over the different websites I feel the impression to post on facebook a little blurb of my visit. So I do. About an hour later I recieve a facebook message from one of my guy friends from Dixie College. I hadnt talked or seen him since 2000 when I moved up to Utah State. He begins to tell me that he lives in the Vegas Valley and is a Chiropractor. He tells me that he and his wife have had struggles with fertiltiy and not with jumping to conclusions from my last post got the impression that I had too and he wanted to help me in anyway that he could.
I am not kidding you when I dropped to the floor and began to cry and cry hard! I know for a fact that Jordan was lead to see my post and that he was lead to write me that note. I dont have time to call him right away since I needed to get to my 6 o'clock homevisit.
My family was running late so my co-worker and I just started talking. He tells me he has a story for me. He tells me that Dr. Masaki is NEVER late for his appointments. I then tell him I know! I was put in right on time. He then said, we were 45 minutes late to our ultra sound! I tell him. I am so sorry! He then tells me that Dr. Masaki came into the room apologizing for being late and then begins to tell them that he had the most complicated, overwhelming case come in this morning and he needed to take time to go through things and set things up. He then smiles and says, he was talking about YOU!
I then know I am in good care and that I was sent to him for a reason! He will send me to the right doctor and we are on our WAY!!!! I say a prayer of thanks and my heart is full!
After my visit I call my friend Jordan and he is so happy to hear from me because he thought I was upset by the message. I tell him not at all and that he was totally inspired to write it and how thankful I was for him! He then tells me of their personal struggle and I am brought to tears! I wish that his wife and him had not had to suffer the way they have. He then tells me they are pregnant again and she is doing really well. He then offers to help me in anyway that he can. He offers to help me as a service knowing the benefits of the chiropractic technique and working with a doctor. I tell him I did not expect a free service and I was willing to pay. But he insisted. I thanked him and set up my first appointment with him in two days.
What a DAY! What an emotional day but as I prepared for bed my prayers were filled with nothing but PURE GRATITUDE because ALL that occurred today was from my LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER and SAVIOR! NOTHING today was by accident!
I begin seeing Jordan regularly and the WAIT begins!
I am shocked how quickly 2 weeks go by! I still have not heard from the doctor but feel that he has a lot to do so it is ok. I didnt think I would hear from him right away.
3 weeks go by- STILL NOTHING
4 weeks go by-STILL NOTHING- Ok time to call- It's time!
Tuesday Feb. 14th
I call and the receptionist tells me I am not sure you heard the doctor correct! I dont think he told you he would call you back!!!!!!!!!!!! I was like, OH NO! This is not going to go down like this again! I tell her again, I promise I left with him telling me to check on doctors let him know and that he would call them and get back to me with a plan. She then tells me ok and that she would leave a message for him.
Friday Feb 16th
I call back since I had not heard from him. The receptionist is shocked since he ALWAYS calls his clients back that day even if it is at 9 at night. I reassure that he did not call and to please have him call me. I figure he still has some last minute things to put together and that is why. She tells me he doesn't work again till Monday so expect a call Monday night. Ok.
Tuesday Feb 21st Still have not heard from him. We are now 5 weeks since I last saw him! I call again and the receptionist is shocked again that I still have not heard from him. She tells me she will call and email him again and that he will either call me back or she will.
Tuesday Feb 21st in the afternoon. I get a call from Dr. Masaki. He tells me that he was sorry for taking a little while to get back to me. He tells me how much he enjoyed the conversation he had with Dr. Levy in Seattle and how they discussed her personnel case with her daughter having a baby with the findings of the NK cells. He then tells me he doesn't buy it but he cannot persuade her since she now has a grandson to love on.
For a moment I am a little struck by the words, he doesn't buy the NK cells, but let it go as he begins to talk how he has spoken to the doctors and is sending me to Dr. Daneshmand at the Fertility Center of Las Vegas. I am taken back for a second and say, you mean Dr. Sher? He said No Dr. Daneshmand. I am confused but he tells me they have spoken and he is not that well known about NK cells but he is ready to do what needs to be done and knows that I do not want to do INVIRTO and to not even put that on the table. He tells me he is sending over my records and that they should be calling me very soon. I am excited but confused and tell him thank you.
I thought I was going to go to Dr. Sher but maybe what I felt was wrong and he is referring me so I guess that I am going to go to the right place.
Twenty minutes later the Fertility Center of Las Vegas calls me and wants to schedule my appointment. They can get me in the following Wednesday Feb. 29 at 3. WOW that was so fast! Ok perfect! She then begins to take down my information. She then asks for Ryan's. I tell her there is no need for his he is not the one needing to be seen or dealt with. She insists! I get a yucky feeling of they are going to charge him and he doesn't have insurance! I for some reason cannot remember his social and she just says she will get it when I come in.
I am excited. Why shouldn't I be? I am moving forward. He is willing and ready to take on what I have done already and we are set to go!
Wednesday Feb. 29th-LEAP YEAR!
Ryan is home from school and is waiting to go with me. RIght before we go to leave I feel that he should not go. I have this horrible feeling that they are going to charge him and he doesnt have insurance so it would be 400.00. He looks at me funny and says whatever! I want to be there but if you dont think I should then I will wait for you at home.
3:00- I walk into the Center and immediately feel uneasy. I dont feel like I am where I am suppose to be and feel like this is not going to be good. I am taken back to his office and he sits me down to go over my history. He is a very nice man and comes off very knowledgeable. We go over the tests I have done and what has occurred with the losses. He then tells his take on the NK cells. He does not believe in it! It is not valid. It is crazy talk and in his own polite way, I was a fool to fall for it! He then tells me that he has a better plan and goes over the tests that need to be done. He tells me that he read that I had a small uterus from the Hysterscope. I tell him yes but by using the high dosage of drugs when my dr. in Seattle did the test over she told me my uterus had grown to the full size. She was amazed but that it did in deed. He told me IMPOSSIBLE! He told me that drugs would not allow that to happen! It might have grown a little bit but not from the size that what was written to where it should be. He then tells me that we will need to do testing over. He needs to be the one to do them. I tell him why? The tests are not that old and what would have changed? He then tells me things can change in 3 months with the uterus? WHAT???!!!???? You just told me not POSSIBLE!!!!
By this time I am just listening and pretending to take it in like I am interested. He tells me that he is thinking my only option for success will be INVIRTO he will know for sure after he does my tests but he is leaning towards that!!! Inside I am BURNING mad but hold it together with my smile and pretend to buy into his CRAP! He then takes me to his Nurse who would go over all my schedule to follow for testing.
I then find out that Ryan will FIRST have to have a Semen Analysis done before the insurance will even consider paying for any of my tests! WHAT? This has nothing to do with Ryan. Ok whatever if that is all I guess it makes sense, UM NO! She then tells me we both have to do blood fasting work up and genetic testing. Since Ryan does not have insurance it will be out of pocket. I tell her we already did a very extensive Genetic testing in Arizona for both of us and the fasting work up. She then tells me well, our facility is way more extensive and we prefer to have our people do it. WHAT!!!! She then tells me that I need to have one test done again that the insurance will not pay for.
Here is the breakdown for expense:
Ryan:
Semen analysis: 419.00
Blood Work up Fasting:1,156.00
Genetic testing: 350.00
GRAND TOTAL: 1,925.00
Testing that we have already paid for and is not even necesarry!!!
Then me:
luckily the insurance was going to cover quite a bit BUT
The one test that I just had recently done in Seattle that he wants to do OVER again!
791.00!!! that the insurance does not cover!!!
350 for the genetic testing that is not covered by the insurance
GRAND TOTAL OUT of POCKET for BOTH OF US: 3.056 dollars!!!
She then says to me would you like to schedule Karl's semen analysis? I tell her no I need to go over his schedule and will get back to her. She gives me a hug and tells me I am at the right place and looks forward to working with me.
I cringe at the thought that she could sit there and look at me and feel good about herself! I cant believe what a dishonest terrible terrible place that is!!! How could anyone look at all the stuff I have already done, all the money I have already payed, all that I have gone through and still think it would be ok to TAKE ADVANTAGE of me!!! Yes, I want to be a mom BUT I AM NOT STUPID!!! That 3,056 that he wanted from me not to mention that 20,000 for INVIRTO which I know he was going to say I would have to do just payed for his new boat, crusise, home in Hawaii, or trip around the world! He was only thinking $$$$$$ signs and what he could get with my HEART and my PAIN!
I sit in my car and CRY! Why was I sent there! I knew from the beginning that it wasnt the right place for me but yet I was still sent there by the Dr. Masaki.
I go home. Cry to Ryan. Tell him how I hate FERTILITY doctors and how I cant believe I fell into the terrible trap yet again! I tell him at least this time I am in a WAY better place with our Fertility Situation and not able to be taken advantage. I tell him I am so glad that he didnt go because I am pretty sure they would have charged his visit! He doesnt say much but just holds me.
Before I fall asleep I get a text from my dear friend telling me that she thinks I had this expeirence so that I could learn that I should not doubt my feelings and impressions. I had already felt that that place was not a good one and not the place for me but instead went with "the world" or " man" trusting the doctor to send me to the right place instead of trusting the spirit and my impressions from GOD! I then recall again how I felt about Dr. Sher and that in the moring I will call the office and try to get an appointment.
I fall asleep pretty early. I am exhausted from the emotional let down
Next morning I awake around 4:30. I have the thoughts to get my medical records that are still at the OB/GYN office that I left there for them to copy and give back to me and to take them to Dr. Sher's office. I need to do it right away this morning. I know when I am woken up with thoughts to do something that I should do it so after my morning walk with my friend I hurry and get ready. I pick up my records and head over to the SHER INSTITUTE. It is right by where we used to live. I know the area really well. I say a PRAYER before I go in that if I am suppose to be here let things happen.
I walk in, heart racing, sweating! The receptionist asks me to sign in. I then tell her that I dont have an appointment. I tell her story tell her what happened yesterday and then begin to cry! I so wanted to hold it together but those of you who know me know that it is a hard thing for me to do. She gives me tissue and tells me. Well sweetie, I just got a cancellation today at 12. Would you like to come back at 12 and meet with Dr. Sher? I leap with joy inside while I try to compose my outer face! Yes, yes, I would love to come back and meet with him at 12! I dont have an appointment with work till 3 so that should be just fine. She then tells me that he is wonderful! He is very mindful of NK cells and that he will for sure be able to help me! I thank her and leave. She asks me to come back at 11:45.
I run to my car! My heart leaping with JOY, GRATITUDE, and so much LOVE! I begin to think! What if I hadnt listened to the spirit and went right away this morning I would have missed that cancelation and this WONDERFUL opportunity to meet with the Dr I knew from the VERY beginning that I was suppose to meet with! 12 could NOT come fast enough!!!!
11:45. I fill out the paper work and then sit and while I wait about 30 minutes have a prayer in my heart that if I am suppose to be here that I will learn and hear the missing pieces to my puzzle and that I will have answers and a plan to bring this baby that is suppose to come and that has been trying to come all these years!
12:15- I am taken back to Dr. Sher! I am greeted with a hug from a tall 70 year old man with an Australian Accent! He tells me what a crazy thing to walk into his office this morning in tears with my sitauation and that I just happened to have a cancelation. He tells me, I dont think it was by accident! I think you are meant to see me!
He then tells me he hasnt had a lot of time to look over my records but only the sheets that I filled out when I got here. He tells me just by reading over that he has an idea of what is going on with me and wants to help. He tells me that when he read over that i have had 8 miscarriages all at 5 weeks it makes him think I have a Natural Killer cell problem. I smile and tell him yes. He then states you will have to be tested and then we can know for sure. I tell him I have already been have the answers in the records. He smiles GREAT! One thing we wont need to do! He then tells me it seems that you and your husband might have some matching DQ ALPHA GENOTYPE. I tell him yes, we have 2. He then tells me that he wants to explain the whole process with me. How he came about to find this all out. He then tells me that he has offices around the country and here in Vegas is the headquarters.
He said before I get started I want to ask you when was the last time you got pregnant and miscarried. I tell him July of 09. He says so over 2 1/2 years ago. I tell him yes. He asked, have you EVER wondered why you could get pregnant back to back and so often and then that it has been over two years why havent you? I said EVERYDAY!
He then goes into detail of how the body works how the egg and the sperm work and then tells me that there is nothing wrong with my eggs or Ryan's sperm it is what is going on in my Uterus that is causing the problem. He tells me we all have Natural Killer cells they keep our body safe. He said the Uterus is a very special organ and is protected especailly for foreign objects. He tells me that I have an alumnae immune disorder which means when I got pregnant my body allowed the egg to implant but then the NK cells were triggered and said NO WAY and killed the cells in the uterus which then did not allow the baby to implant and then I misscarried. He said that I have a double wammy against me. I have the heightened NK cells and I have a 50/50 chance of having a matching DQALPHA GENOTYPE from Ryan. ( lamens terms: Because Ryan and I have two similar DQ ALPHA when the egg is fertilized by the sperm that carries the similiar genotype my body attacks it because it is not different then mine and does not belong in the body. When a typical sperm meets the egg the genotpye is suppose to be different then the egg. With the differen genotype it then triggers the body that there is a baby in the uterus and then the implantation begins. For me I have the body telling me it is not different and it is not suppose to be there and to send the NK cells attacking!! So even if i got pregnant with a sperm that was different then mine my body still would attack because of the NK cells being too high? MEANING DOUBLE WAMMY!)
He then tells me: The body is smart: After 8 times of allowing this to happen the NK cells are made even stronger and they attack the fertilzed egg and kill it WAY BEFORE it even has a CHANCE to try to implant and that it is why I HAVE NOT GOTTEN PREGNANT again in over 2 years!
The spirit is so strong and is confirming TRUTH that the words he is speaking to me are EXACTLY what has occurred and why now I am still not pregnant.
He then asks. I am sure you are wondering how we are going to go forward with this problem. He then tells me that he can make sure that I have the right dosage and correct medicine to not only help keep the NK cells under control but to also have the lining right and then he would do testing on the eggs that he retrieves and implant the correct genotype egg. He tells me that he can only do one egg due to my issue but that the one he picks will be the right one and the best chance of me taking it.
I begin to cry at this point! My worst fear has come true! The one treatment that I NEVER wanted to do or felt that I would have to do is what I need to do. He asked why I was crying. I should be happy. We have a plan and the plan works. I tell him I am happy for his answers I am happy for his plan but the cost of INVIRTO is such a damper on the whole situation. We dont have thousands of dollars to do this.
He tells me that he works with a bank here in town that sets up a loan for this process so that we do not have to pay it all in full if we dont have it. He then tells me that lots of his patients end up having left over medication and he will make sure to put my name at the top of the list to receive the free medicine. He said he wanted to help as much as he could. Again I feel peace and comfort with his words and for the first time ever the thought of going through INVITRO sounds ok and obviously do able! He mentioned for us to do a 2 cycle payment plan instead of the one so instead of 10,000 for one cycle we pay 15,000 for 2 cycles. With all the medication the total comes to about 17,000. This is not including the Interliplid Interfusions I will have to do each month that here in Vegas are done at Walgreens for 300 each time! Such difference then in Seattle! Needless to say! It is WAY more money then we have in our SAVINGS!
At least I know that if I pay for it I have a doctor who knows what he is doing and not just putting eggs inside me to miscarry.
After 2 1/2 hour visit with him he takes me to his finical lady and she walks me through the whole process. They set me up for a tenative start date of April 30th, give me BC pills to start in March and then we are good to go forward if we decide this is the plan. They both give me a hug and I tell them THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I go to the car! I feel so validated and feel like I have ALL my ANSWERS and now it is time to go forward with the plan.
I am scared and unsure of how we are going to afford the payment! I feel lead and guided to him. Once again I thought the move to Vegas was just for Ryan......................I was WRONG yet again! The move to Vegas was necesarry for me to be lead to this doctor. This doctor who could finish the work! This doctor who could ANSWER all my questions and put the LAST pieces of my PUZZLE together!
I am overwhelmed with the love of Savior Jesus Christ! It is through him that I have been able to endure, pick myself up, and continue to move forward trusting that he was leading the way! It has been just shy of 7 1/2 years of trying and 3 years since the many miscarriages began. I am at the end of this road. There is no more to be found out. I will either get pregnant with this treatment, a healing miracle occurs, or we turn to adoption.
I feel peace. I feel happy. I feel so very blessed. I have NO doubt that GOD lives!! I have NO doubt that he knows who I am!!! I have NO doubt that he has been by my side guiding my by the Holy Ghost to take me all over the United States these past 3 years all to get me where I need to be in the steps that were needed to be in the order they needed to be to get me her MARCH 3, 2012!
I ask for your prayers as Ryan and I have a huge decision to make. I know if we are suppose to go forward the Lord will provide! He has NEVER let me down yet! No matter what comes from this next step I know we will be parents and I know that I will be a mom and that is ONLY by the blessing of a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ!
Comments
I am so glad you wrote all this out, what a testament for all of us to know that if we have faith and listen to the spirit, the Lord (our physician) will take care of us. You're the BEST example of this. What a journey you've been on. You're going to have a glorious ending, better than what we'd imagined years ago. Love you TIAB!
"i can do all things through christ who strengthens me."
-Philippians 4:13
"come to me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and i will give you rest."
-matthew 11:28
"Fear thou not;
for I am with thee:
be not dismayed;
for I am thy God:
I will strengthen thee;
yea, I will help thee;
yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."
-Isaiah 41:20
i am grateful for your strength, love and courage... you really are a great reminder to me of how precious that relationship is with our Father in Heaven. i am so glad you are so close to Him :)
XOXO
daegan-
I read this quote the other day from Gerald Lund's book "Divine Signatures"
”The Lord’s timing of His tender mercies can help us discern them, acknowledge them, and treasure them. Sometimes, in addition to the timing, the blessings come with such a unique combination of circumstances that it becomes very clear they are from the Lord."
Big Hugs!!
-Becky and Charity
I have a theory that every single thing we go through in this life has a single purpose, that is to bring us to our knees and therefore closer to our Savior and Father in Heaven. You are doing it right.