April 30, 2012
I met with the doctors almost 2 months ago. The proposed date for treatments to start was said to be April 30. At the time I thought, man that is a long time from now to wait! I dont want to wait that long! I want to get started now! The doctor reassured me that it would be here fast and that he needed the time to prepare for things.
Today is April 30. The two months did go by fast just like the doctor said it would. I cant believe that it is here. However, today is not the day we start treatments. It is not the day that we go down the path of is it time? Today, April 30, is just a normal day.
I dont have any patients today which is VERY unusual. Maybe it is just a tender mercy from Heavenly Father to let me just sit and feel his spirit. To let me know that he is aware of me and that it is ok. To comfort my heart as it is saddened by the fact that the day I thought we would start is here and yet we are still at a standstill of what to do.
I have learned some good lessons in the past 2 months. I am not going to lie and say that it is has been a simple 2 months and I have taken the directions of how things have been well. I have had some really hard days and dark hours trying to figure out WHY? I have shed LOTS of tears and wondered WHAT DID I DO WRONG yet again.
However, it isnt about ME or WHAT I DID WRONG. It is about LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, and PATIENCE.
When we get married the saying is YOU BECOME ONE. Sure sure sure at the time you think I understand and that is easy. We will work together and things will be wonderful. I have learned a lot about that. It does mean to work with one another but I think it also means to try to put yourself in the other persons shoes and understand where they are coming from and work together from their perspective and then try to come to a compromise especially on things that you may see differently. It is learning to wait for the other person to be ready and loving them and supporting them till they are.
The reaction I got from Ryan about the treatments reminded me of when I have to break the news to families on my caseload that I have concerns for Autism for their child. There is anger, hurt, sadness, and sorrow. Every parent goes through denial and often times go through a period of resentment of WHY? Each parent goes through this process at different stages and one often takes longer to push through than the other. Sometimes it can take weeks, months, and years to fully accept and go forward. I am not even sure if there is a true ending to the sorrow but you learn to go forward.
Ryan has not ridden the same path as I have through this journey of infertility. Yes he has been by my side but the experience has been a totally different one. The spiritual experiences I have encountered have been mine that I have shared with him. Having the experience and sharing it is so very different. The reality of our situation and options hit him hard and hit him differently than I thought it would and the time to recover has taken longer than I thought.
For 2 weeks I pushed upon him MY FEELINGS, MY WANTS, MY REASONS and kept pushing him to do things at MY TIME and MY WAY. By doing this only brought more anger, more sadness, and more contention.
I couldnt understand WHY he wasnt 100% for this. Why he didnt want to go forward. Why couldnt he just see! Why is every person happy and excited and the most important person to this whole puzzle isnt!
How SELFISH and UNLOVING I was! I was thinking of ONLY MYSELF at this point and when you think of only yourself you are not one.
Thoughts of: You need to let things go, You need to give him time, You need to drop everything kept coming to my mind. Ryan needs time, Ryan needs you to love him and understand him.
After 2 weeks of being upset at one another and fighting that we havent done in such a long time I finally let it go. I called the doctors office and cancelled the follow up appointments. Told them I would be in touch when we were ready to go forward. When both of us were on board. The nurse said to take our time and call when were ready.
That afternoon we had a talk. I told him I cancelled all the appointments. I told him that I was tired of fighting and that I was sorry for pushing all the things I thought we should do on him. I told him I was sorry for not respecting him. I told him he knows of my feelings after fasting and going to the temple. I told him you know what I have felt we should do. I then tell him I am no longer going to bring this subject up. I told him when he is ready to go forward with this process he is to come to me. When he has made his decision he has to come and tell me.
He turned and looked at me with tears in his eyes. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me the biggest hug. He told me he loved me and thanked me. I knew at that moment all the pressure I was putting on him was overwhelming. The pressure of having to make a decision right away was too much for him. He needed time to work through things. I had not let him have that.
I felt the spirit so strong and such peace wash over me as I LET IT GO at that moment.
I love Ryan so much. He is a good man and will be a good daddy someday. I know we are going to be parents just dont know when. I know that through this process it will only make us stronger. When you truly love someone you put your selfish reasons aside and think of the other one. This process of having a family cant be 1 sided. It takes 2. He is worth waiting for so that we both can be ONE with going forward to have a family. Thank you for your prayers and love.
Today is April 30. The two months did go by fast just like the doctor said it would. I cant believe that it is here. However, today is not the day we start treatments. It is not the day that we go down the path of is it time? Today, April 30, is just a normal day.
I dont have any patients today which is VERY unusual. Maybe it is just a tender mercy from Heavenly Father to let me just sit and feel his spirit. To let me know that he is aware of me and that it is ok. To comfort my heart as it is saddened by the fact that the day I thought we would start is here and yet we are still at a standstill of what to do.
I have learned some good lessons in the past 2 months. I am not going to lie and say that it is has been a simple 2 months and I have taken the directions of how things have been well. I have had some really hard days and dark hours trying to figure out WHY? I have shed LOTS of tears and wondered WHAT DID I DO WRONG yet again.
However, it isnt about ME or WHAT I DID WRONG. It is about LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, and PATIENCE.
When we get married the saying is YOU BECOME ONE. Sure sure sure at the time you think I understand and that is easy. We will work together and things will be wonderful. I have learned a lot about that. It does mean to work with one another but I think it also means to try to put yourself in the other persons shoes and understand where they are coming from and work together from their perspective and then try to come to a compromise especially on things that you may see differently. It is learning to wait for the other person to be ready and loving them and supporting them till they are.
The reaction I got from Ryan about the treatments reminded me of when I have to break the news to families on my caseload that I have concerns for Autism for their child. There is anger, hurt, sadness, and sorrow. Every parent goes through denial and often times go through a period of resentment of WHY? Each parent goes through this process at different stages and one often takes longer to push through than the other. Sometimes it can take weeks, months, and years to fully accept and go forward. I am not even sure if there is a true ending to the sorrow but you learn to go forward.
Ryan has not ridden the same path as I have through this journey of infertility. Yes he has been by my side but the experience has been a totally different one. The spiritual experiences I have encountered have been mine that I have shared with him. Having the experience and sharing it is so very different. The reality of our situation and options hit him hard and hit him differently than I thought it would and the time to recover has taken longer than I thought.
For 2 weeks I pushed upon him MY FEELINGS, MY WANTS, MY REASONS and kept pushing him to do things at MY TIME and MY WAY. By doing this only brought more anger, more sadness, and more contention.
I couldnt understand WHY he wasnt 100% for this. Why he didnt want to go forward. Why couldnt he just see! Why is every person happy and excited and the most important person to this whole puzzle isnt!
How SELFISH and UNLOVING I was! I was thinking of ONLY MYSELF at this point and when you think of only yourself you are not one.
Thoughts of: You need to let things go, You need to give him time, You need to drop everything kept coming to my mind. Ryan needs time, Ryan needs you to love him and understand him.
After 2 weeks of being upset at one another and fighting that we havent done in such a long time I finally let it go. I called the doctors office and cancelled the follow up appointments. Told them I would be in touch when we were ready to go forward. When both of us were on board. The nurse said to take our time and call when were ready.
That afternoon we had a talk. I told him I cancelled all the appointments. I told him that I was tired of fighting and that I was sorry for pushing all the things I thought we should do on him. I told him I was sorry for not respecting him. I told him he knows of my feelings after fasting and going to the temple. I told him you know what I have felt we should do. I then tell him I am no longer going to bring this subject up. I told him when he is ready to go forward with this process he is to come to me. When he has made his decision he has to come and tell me.
He turned and looked at me with tears in his eyes. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me the biggest hug. He told me he loved me and thanked me. I knew at that moment all the pressure I was putting on him was overwhelming. The pressure of having to make a decision right away was too much for him. He needed time to work through things. I had not let him have that.
I felt the spirit so strong and such peace wash over me as I LET IT GO at that moment.
I love Ryan so much. He is a good man and will be a good daddy someday. I know we are going to be parents just dont know when. I know that through this process it will only make us stronger. When you truly love someone you put your selfish reasons aside and think of the other one. This process of having a family cant be 1 sided. It takes 2. He is worth waiting for so that we both can be ONE with going forward to have a family. Thank you for your prayers and love.
Comments
xoxo
Sara