our journey continues on
Have you missed me? ;)
I am sorry that I just kind of disappeared. I needed some time away. I needed some time to think about things and process some things.
I first want to start off this post with saying, I am sorry if I offended any of you in my writings. I am sorry if any of you took that I was saying or writing as portraying Ryan in any negative way. I hope you all know that Ryan is the love of my life and I cherish him and would NEVER intentionally want to make him look bad. If any of you took what I wrote as I was dishonoring him in anyway please accept my apologies and know that I NEVER meant to sound that way. My intentions were to show my mishaps, my issues, and my selflessness. I always try to listen to the spirit when I write even though a lot of things that I write are personal and very honest.
I dont know what else to say, rather than I am sorry and I am who I am and I write what I feel and I hope that people who read this dont judge me but rather show love and trust that I wouldnt write anything to hurt anyone.............
Ok- Enough about that..........
I cant believe that it is January!!! Where has the past few months gone? I am sad that the holidays are over and feel like that I didnt even get a chance to enjoy them. I was so busy with doctor appointments and following a calender so closely that I blinked and Christmas was over!
Even though I had not been writing on this blog I continued to write and document my journal of experiences on my other blog that I have. I want to share some of those experiences with you as I have felt the past week that I need to. Here are clips from that blog starting in October:
OCTOBER:
Is this for REAL? Is this really happening?
( thank you so much to everyone that donated on our behalf!!!! We are so thankful!!!!!)
We got our formal acceptance notice on the 16th of October. Soon after that I heard from Dr. Sher's office and was given this beautiful colored calender to let me know what medication will be needed on what day and how much!
I am a little overwhelmed about it! It starts the 16th of November!!! It is so soon!!! I am preparing myself for lots of needles and IV's!!!
I just got word that I am set for 10:00 on the 30th for my first interlipid infusion for the cycle. It costs $300 dollars each time and I have to do it 2x Month till week 24. I am doing some basic math here: 300x2x6=$3,600 just for the interlipids and then it is a 1,000 dollars for the IVF medication alone and not counting the medication through out the pregnancy. I am praying for peace that it will all work out and funds will be made possible. I am counting my blessings that this is the only part that we have to pay for. It could be a lot worse.
I want to document this whole process of the IVF treatments. I want my son to see this someday and know how much his mama loved him to go through everything to get him here. I want him to know how much I wanted him here in fact so much that I faced many fears!!!
November 6: My scheduled Fluid Ultra Sound. This was a $896.00 ultrasound that thankfully INCIDD paid for since insurance does not cover. The big black thing in the middle is my uterus. They fill it with water to see if there are any fibroids, tumors, or obstructions. Dr. Sher was so pleased how quickly if filled and how healthy it looked! He was so happy!! He said onto the next good things!!!
I write:
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Here goes nothing!! Hoping to be able to withstand all that is coming my way. Praying for strength and courage. Praying for a miracle.
It is quick. He checks my lining and it is 4cm and says PERFECT and then checks the left ovary and says no cysts and no follicles PERFECT and then moves to the right ovary and says no cysts and no follicles and says PERFECT my dear!!! Continue on and I will see you next week!
BATTA BING BATTA BONG in and out very fast!
Ok- Here we go! Onto the heavy drugs tomorrow to start growing the follicles to prepare for next weeks egg retrieval. I cant believe that it is next week!!! How is this happening so fast?
Yesterday was the 25th of November. We are a month out from XMAS! I will know in less than 30 days if I am going to be a mom! It seems so surreal. I get emotional thinking about it. Thinking..................could this really be it? After all this time in less than a month
I WILL NO WITH OUT A DOUBT that I am pregnant. Oh man! It is a lot to take.
I hope the next 10 days go well as I am sticking my belly with 3 shots everyday..............
NOVEMBER 30
Today was the BIG day for the interlipid infusion!!! I am shocked that I am here again! Ryan was not able to go with me. I am so thankful that my best friend Nicole was able to go with me. It was a lot better than the time I went in Seattle. They are pros here at the Walgreens and had me in and out in less than 2 hours. I wish my viens werent so small! I hate that they always have the hardest time getting a needle in and then I have to deal with the PAIN!!! No wonder I hate needles!!! Here is a picture of Nicole and I! I have two BIG fears when it came to the IVF. One of them was today and the next one will be the egg retrieval. One of them down and now onto the next!! I am so surprised how well things are going! I am feeling great and handling all the belly shots pretty well. I have NO doubt it is because the Lord is blessing me. I feel so loved and so carried!!
DECEMBER 3
Today I went this morning for a blood draw and then came back to the doctors office later this afternoon for the ultrasound.
I was so nervous thinking, what if there isnt any eggs? What if all I have is cysts and we cant go forward? It was all thoughts I should have not been thinking and know that it wouldn't be true but still being apprehensive.
I had to wait almost 2 hours before being seen by Dr. Sher. It was cutting close to being able to get out there in time to make it to my appointment in the afternoon. I was glad that they called me when they did. I was shocked as Dr. Sher that I already had 16 eggs and they were mostly the size of 16cm and 18cm. I wasnt expecting that. Dr. Sher didnt seem upset but was shocked. He told me that the trigger shot would be tomorrow for the HCG and that he would see me on Thursday for egg retrieval.
I was shocked! I was thinking I wouldnt be back till Wed for another ultrasound. I left the office in kind of a shock. This is happening!
Here is the ultrasound of the one ovary with the 8 eggs.
DECEMBER 6,
Today was the day that I was afraid of most! I hate going under! I hate having needles!! The HCG shot was so painful and I am still in shock that we are at this point already!!! Ryan went with me and sat with me as they started the IV. The first time they couldnt get it in!!! GRRRRR............I held my tongue and kept smiling. The nurse was so sweet and trying so hard. The second time worked and they rolled me away from Ryan and took me into the big room. Dr. Sher was so sweet and comforted me and before I knew it I awoke crying in the recovery room. The nurse was so sweet and told me it was ok. I awoke with the dream of holding my baby and I was crying because I thought it was so real! It hit me so hard at the moment that I am so close to that dream actually coming true! Ryan came in and sat with me as I had to wait to gain strength. Dr. Sher told us that they would call us tomorrow and let us know how many fertilized.
Here I am right after the procedure
DECEMBER 7
Dr. Sher's office calls me and tells me 16 eggs were taken 9 fertilized and they will call me on Sunday and let me know how many have continued onto the next stage.
DECEMBER 9
Dr. Sher's office calls me and tells me that 7 eggs are moving forward. 3 of the eggs are moving at a faster rate but the other 4 still look good. They told me that Tuesday December 11th was tentative egg retrieval date and that they would call me at 9:30 on that morning to confirm
DECEMBER 11
Ryan takes off work and I lay in bed just watching the clock for 9:30 to come. About 9 I get this feeling that something is wrong. I keep telling myself stop thinking so negatively!!! I cant help it though. I just felt like something was not right. 9:30 comes and goes and I still havent heard from the doctors office. 10:00 comes and goes and I KNOW something is wrong!! I wait till 10:30 before I email the head lady asking if everything was ok. She emails me right back and tells me Dr. Sher will be calling me soon!
My heart drops! I know that he is not going to give me good news. I feel it in my bones. I know the spirit was preparing me. He calls minutes later and tells me that he feels he has messed up. He tells me I reacted to the drugs to quickly and my eggs grew to fast and too soon and they were not mature enough to make good fertilized eggs. He told me all my eggs have died except 1. He told me that the last egg did not look good and the likely hood of it making it to blastocyst tomorrow was very very slim! He told me to not give up hope and we shall see what tomorrow brings! He then tells me that if things dont work out he will do another free cycle for me.
I get off the phone and break down! WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!! How is this happening!!!! Ryan comes in and just holds me! I ask him if we could go to the temple. I said I know you have basketball practice so we can do initiatories and then sit in the celestial room. We sit in the Celestial room for sometime quiet. I just keep feeling that it was not going to be this time. The impressions were really strong. I kept telling myself NO, that cant be!! Why?? Ryan tells me that there is not any bad news. If the egg works great we can go forward if not then we have another try. I am so thankful for him. He always helps me see the positive about the situations that seem so horrible. He is always so calm and it is just what I needed. I felt so peaceful as we left the temple. I was not upset anymore and felt without a doubt that the egg would not work and that I needed to look forward to the next cycle.
We sent texts to our friends and families to pray for a miracle and if it is meant to be then the egg would make it. I was hopeful but my gut told me it wouldnt work.
DECEMBER 12
I await for the phone call in a different way this time. I was doing all kinds of things and preparing for the phone call to be that our cycle was a bust and to look forward to the springtime. 9:30 comes and I get the phone call BUT it was not the conversation I was expecting. They tell me my egg made it! It was ready to be implanted!!! WHAT???!!!?? I was shocked!!! I had not been expecting that at all. I had prepared for the worst and my miracle egg had made it.
Ryan and I go in at 12 on 12-12-12. All the nurses and Dr Sher were so excited for us! They all gave me a hug and said they were praying so hard for me! They all told me that they are pulling for us! They told me they just adore me! I was shocked! I told them they are too sweet! I was scared out of my mind for the process. I wasnt sure what to expect and I didnt want to have any pain since I would not be put under.
Dr. Sher's wife came in and sat with me before the procedure. She is so sweet. She just told me how wonderful I am and told me what to think about after the egg is implanted. She hugged me and told me that if this doesnt work she had told her husband that he will continue to try till it does!!! I thanked her and she left. Soon after Dr. Sher came in. He gave me a big hug and sat down and looked right at me and said, Do you remember what I told you yesterday? I said, to pray for a miracle? He said yes, but the most important thing, I told you that if this doesnt work I am going to do another cycle for you!! I have been told by my wife that I can not stop till you have a baby in your arms!! You are my daughter and I am too attached now! I thanked him.
It was the coolest experience!! Ryan and I got to watch him place the little egg in my uterus right on the ultrasound. After it was placed he left Ryan and I alone and we both just sat and stared at our sweet little baby right there on the big screen to look at and to pray for it to embed and stick and grow. Both of us had tears in our eyes as the reality of possibility of being parents was right there! It was so close!! This could be it!!! We got the picture of our miracle egg and the picture of the ultrasound to take home with us. I kept it close to me for the next few days as I laid in bed trying to rest and be calm. I kept thinking, if we got this far this has to be it!!! Heavenly Father wouldnt let me have another disappointment! I have been through so much this has to be it!
The little white rice looking object is our sweet little egg!
Our little miracle egg
December 21st
I went in for my first BETA blood test today. They told me they wouldnt tell me that I was pregnant or not till the next BETA on the 24th of December. I told myself that I have had WAY to many issues with pregnancy tests that I woulnt take one and just wait for the results. I felt peace the whole day and with both my parents and Ryan's dad in town for his graduation I was pretty busy entertaining them.
SUNDAY DECEMBER 23rd
I am home sick from a bad cold. I keep feeling that something is wrong. I am sad. I feel that it was a bust and the cycle didnt work. I tell myself to stop thinking that way!! Why do I always have to be so NEGATIVE!!! I decided that I would take a test in the morning and just know that it was negative and then be more prepared for the phone call.
MONDAY DECEMBER 24th XMAS EVE
I take a pregnancy test that morning. I was waiting for the blank line and for the negative to show like it always does. I walk back to look after a minute and I am shocked to see what I see!!!
WHAT!!!! NO!!!!!! REALLY!!!!!! My miracle egg worked!!!! I have a positive!!! Oh My Gosh!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!!!
I hadnt told anyone Ryan or my Parents that I had already done one blood test and I didnt tell them that I was going today. I wanted something to be a surprise. Now I will have a surprise!! I get in the car to go and get my blood drawn again for the beta. As I am driving I feel really uneasy!! I feel that something isnt right. I have my positive though, of course everything is ok!! I get my blood drawn and the nurse just smiles and gives me such a happy look which I know what she is trying to say to me with out saying it.
She told me she will call in an hour or so. I drive home still looking at my test with the BRIGHT second line but STILL feel uneasy. I walk in the door and was standing with Ryan and his dad when my phone rings. I pick it up. The nurse has this voice that I have heard before. My heart drops. She then tells me that my first beta was positive. She tells me I am pregnant. She then proceeds to tell me, I am so sorry Karmann but your second beta has gone down instead of doubling. I am so sorry to tell you this especially on Christmas but you are more than likely going to lose your baby. She tells me that they need to do another BETA on Wednesday and it will determine the outcome. There is a chance that my levels will go up but to not get my hopes up. I tell her thank you and get off the phone. I walked to my closest and fell to the ground.
WHAT? NO? HOW? WHY? Is this really happening again? Would Heavenly Father really allow this to happen to me YET AGAIN!? No, he wouldnt do that. There has to be a mistake! My levels will be ok! I tell myself that I cant let this ruin my Christmas and say a prayer for strength. Ryan comes into the room and asks whats going on? I tell him what was told to me. He holds me. We are quiet. He then tells me that we have next steps to look forward to and to remember to hold onto that. He is right. I feel this peace wash over me.
WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 26th
I awoke that morning and took another test. I knew what the test would read. I was right it was NEGATIVE as NEGATIVE could be. I knew the answer before I even had to hear what the blood test would tell me. As I drove to the LAB I felt this rush of comfort, rush of peace, rush of HOPE fall over me. I couldnt cry, I couldnt get upset, I just felt PEACE. I cant even begin to describe it. I truly know what it feels like to be carried by my Savior! I truly know what it means to feel his LOVE! I truly know what it feels like to feel OTHERS PRAYERS around me!!!
Dr. Sher called me at 10:30. I wasnt able to pick it up for I was at work. He left me the sweetest, kindest, most loving message. He told me how sorry he was and how he made a mistake and how he will do things differently this next time. He told me that God is in charge and to not give up hope and to not give up on him. He told me he loved me and that all will be ok.
I think the hardest part was telling my parents that it didnt work. The sorrow I saw on my mom's face hurt more than the news that I was going to miscarry again. I kept telling them that I was ok and I was. I felt such peace and by that peace knew that God was mindful of me and that he was in charge and knew the bigger picture than me.
Friday December 28th
I started miscarring the night before. I had a fever and the heavy cramping started. I thought I was prepared for what was coming. I mean I should know what to expect after doing this 8 other times but it has been so long and I was not as ready as I thought I was. I took a hot bath to relieve the pain and then I broke down. I cried hard and let out a heart wrench prayer of WHY!
The thought of Ryan's blessing that he gave to me right before we started this process. He told me that I would will endure a lot of pain but if I look to my Savior he will hold me and carry me and all will be ok. At that moment I did just what that blessing said to do! I looked to him and I gave everything to him. I stopped asking why, I stopped feeling pity, but realized that he knew what I was going to go through and was there with me and I could handle it and go forward.
The day was long and hard with heavy bleeding and cramping. We had friends come into town and we went to a concert. My prayers were that I could be with them and have a good time. My prayers were answered.
It's all over. Its been over a week now since it all happened. As I look back I realized that the Lord was preparing me from the start for this disappointment before I even realized it. I knew in the temple that it wasnt going to work. The spirit had testified that to me. I had heard it and felt it but with the things that happened I pushed it aside. I thought my blessing meant the pain that I felt after the egg retrival but it wasnt said for that it was said to help me with another loss.
I am so grateful for the Gospel in my life! I am so grateful for the power of the Holy Ghost. I will continue to try to listen to it better but that I believe will be a life lesson. I cant express enough to all of you that fasted for Ryan and I, prayed for Ryan and I, and have sent messages, emails, phone calls, ect to see how I am doing. I am in awe with how lucky we are to have such wonderful people in our life. I have FELT your prayers!!! I have been carried because of all of you!!!!
I cant thank you enough!!!!
I know we all have our own trials that we face. I pray that you can feel the love of your Heavenly Father and your Savior. I pray that you too can be carried the way I have.
I am sorry that I just kind of disappeared. I needed some time away. I needed some time to think about things and process some things.
I first want to start off this post with saying, I am sorry if I offended any of you in my writings. I am sorry if any of you took that I was saying or writing as portraying Ryan in any negative way. I hope you all know that Ryan is the love of my life and I cherish him and would NEVER intentionally want to make him look bad. If any of you took what I wrote as I was dishonoring him in anyway please accept my apologies and know that I NEVER meant to sound that way. My intentions were to show my mishaps, my issues, and my selflessness. I always try to listen to the spirit when I write even though a lot of things that I write are personal and very honest.
I dont know what else to say, rather than I am sorry and I am who I am and I write what I feel and I hope that people who read this dont judge me but rather show love and trust that I wouldnt write anything to hurt anyone.............
Ok- Enough about that..........
I cant believe that it is January!!! Where has the past few months gone? I am sad that the holidays are over and feel like that I didnt even get a chance to enjoy them. I was so busy with doctor appointments and following a calender so closely that I blinked and Christmas was over!
Even though I had not been writing on this blog I continued to write and document my journal of experiences on my other blog that I have. I want to share some of those experiences with you as I have felt the past week that I need to. Here are clips from that blog starting in October:
OCTOBER:
Is this for REAL? Is this really happening?
Congratulations
To see messages related to this one, group messages by conversation.
( thank you so much to everyone that donated on our behalf!!!! We are so thankful!!!!!)
We got our formal acceptance notice on the 16th of October. Soon after that I heard from Dr. Sher's office and was given this beautiful colored calender to let me know what medication will be needed on what day and how much!
I am a little overwhelmed about it! It starts the 16th of November!!! It is so soon!!! I am preparing myself for lots of needles and IV's!!!
I just got word that I am set for 10:00 on the 30th for my first interlipid infusion for the cycle. It costs $300 dollars each time and I have to do it 2x Month till week 24. I am doing some basic math here: 300x2x6=$3,600 just for the interlipids and then it is a 1,000 dollars for the IVF medication alone and not counting the medication through out the pregnancy. I am praying for peace that it will all work out and funds will be made possible. I am counting my blessings that this is the only part that we have to pay for. It could be a lot worse.
I want to document this whole process of the IVF treatments. I want my son to see this someday and know how much his mama loved him to go through everything to get him here. I want him to know how much I wanted him here in fact so much that I faced many fears!!!
November 6: My scheduled Fluid Ultra Sound. This was a $896.00 ultrasound that thankfully INCIDD paid for since insurance does not cover. The big black thing in the middle is my uterus. They fill it with water to see if there are any fibroids, tumors, or obstructions. Dr. Sher was so pleased how quickly if filled and how healthy it looked! He was so happy!! He said onto the next good things!!!
Now that the ultra sound is determined ok the next time I come and see Dr. Sher is the 3rd of December when he will do an ultra sound to look at my eggs and see how well I am taking to the fertility drugs. I already know that I react well to them since I have done these drugs before so I am hoping I have the same results.
I cant believe this is happening. I keep looking at the calender and think, oh my! December 3rd will be here before we know it! Is it really time that it might work? I figured out the approximation due date for when the approximation time for implantation is and it is 9/5/2013!! What an incredible date to tell everyone that I am due. I get to tell everyone that I am due on my birthday!!! What a glorious day! What a sweet sweet present that will be. Oh, how I wish that this is truly it!
Ryan accepted a full time position as a teacher for Sierra Vista Highschool. He is teaching with the 14-17 year olds with mental disabilities. He has four girls and one boy in his class. He is so happy. He loves them so much and he gets to feel the spirit with him everyday. It is truly a blessing. He has insurance and set income coming in plus paid holidays. I couldnt be more proud and happy for him. Everything is falling into place. The Lord has blessed us well.
I should receive all the medications in the mail by the 14th of November to get ready for the 16th. I sit down with the head lady of the Sher institute on the 13th to go over everything in detail. I will continue to post after each meeting, doctor visit, and each crucial date that coincides with the IVF process.
November 13:
I arrived at the doctors office today for my meeting with the head lady over the scheduling for the IVF cycle. As I am sitting in the office I receive an email from Nancy the head lady at INCIID the heart foundation. This is what the email stated:
Karmann,
What is your status?
I just got a strange fax with your name on it. Nancy
I write back:
Hi. I start medicine on Friday and they are looking at December 3rd cycle. I'm not sure what the fax would be. Did you get my last email about if you got any late checks? I just wanted to make sure some of my family members checks got there and so I can send them a thank you card. Thanks, Karmann
She writes back to me:
Karmann -- we did not match you?????????? Why are they starting a cycle -=-- how did this happen?
MY HEART DROPS!!!! WHAT?? How can that be? They called me and set it up to start. They called after the donation had been said that we made the goal. They told me they would not call to start until they had the matched letter!!!!! I was so confused and so shocked. Before I even had a chance to process or respond I receive another email from her.
She write back again right away
You are NOT supposed to be matched to a clinic until we send a matching letter -- you just jumped in front of someone who has been waiting - not sure how I am going to explain that. I am very upset over this.
I am still in shock!!! What do I do? What do I say to her? What if she takes this away from me? I have felt that the December 3 cycle was right so what is going on? The thoughts of ok, then maybe Ryan and I will get pregnant on our own this month. I will stop the Birth Control pill they have me on and then be done. A quick relief came over me. But then it was short lived as I felt the need to respond to her right away. Here is what I wrote her..........
I am sorry. Dr Sher wanted to meet with me and discussed possible start dates but he told me they had to wait to get the formal letter. I figured that. They called me to start so I just assumed they had gotten your letter. It was after you had said I had made the donation amount so I just figured you had sent the letter. I am so sorry. I can see why you are upset. I'm sorry. We can wait. I want to do what's right. I feel so bad.
Karmann
All of this is happening while I am waiting to be called back to set up our schedule. I wait and wait and wait and I am sweating. Did Nancy call to cancel, yell, and say I cant do it? Is that why they are taking so long to bring me back. I cant believe this is happening!!! My heart was in my stomach and I felt ill. Linda came and got me about 40 minutes late and brought me back to the office. She acted fine. She seemed happy. She went over the calender and showed me how to do the shots and spoke of how things would work. Nancy hasnt called yet I thought. For right now things are ok.
Linda steps out of the office for a second and I quickly look at my phone. There is another email from her! Here it is:
Karmann,
Don't worry about it -- it's not your fault. I appreciate so much all you did to raise money -- I am sorry I sort of lost it temporarily -- lol didn't mean to step on toes. Go ahead -- just do me a favor and don't give anybody the information about the timeline -- most probably I can keep that to myself. You have always been so cooperative and gone out of your way to help us -- In actuality I really wanted to match you because of that -- I am very sorry I got upset. It's been a long week and its only Tuesday. I need to give you another form for the meds -- they filled out the wrong form and faxed it to me instead of EMD Serono.
Nancy
I have to hold back tears!!!!! I am still doing this!! Everything is ok even though there was a rough spot. I get out of the meeting and right Nancy back.
Here is my email back to her:
Nancy, You do not need to apologize. I totally understand why you were so upset! There is a process for your foundation and it didn't happen correctly and you have every right to be upset. I just feel really bad. I thought it was weird that I hadn't gotten a matched letter from you but then thought maybe you don't send one since you had told me I had raised over the 3500. I should have followed up on it but just figured with how strict dr Sher's office was about telling me that they can't start till we have the official letter I just assumed they did. When they called to start. I am not on Facebook right now and don't write on the Inciid of the heart forum so it won't get out. I promise. You are really too sweet to let me keep going. I was serious when I said I would stop. I truly believe in the order and process of things and our eternally grateful just to have this opportunity. It means the world!! Thank you for letting me be able to go forward though. It means a lot especially since I have been mind prepping myself for the needles and intralipid process coming my way in just a few days. Again, I am sorry and thank u so very very much!! Xo, Karmann
Her response to me! :)
OK -- one more promise --- you HAVE to get and stay pregnant - and I > want LOTS of pictures :) Nancy
I drive home with such a prayer in my heart!!! A very thankful prayer. The thought comes to me that God is in charge!!! God is and has been leading me guiding me and opening the necessary doors for this to happen. There is NO way that I should be starting right now!!!!!!
Dr. Sher's office were so very strict with not starting me until they had my letter. Who said I did or who ordered to do it anyways? I dont know, I do know though that I am suppose to be on this cycle and it would not have happened if this miracle had not occurred. I would still be unmatched and prob wouldnt start till March or even June. I know that we all have certain time frame to be here on earth. We each have a specifc plan. If my boy is meant to conceive this month and be born in September then it is going to happen and no man can stop that. I am so thankful for the spirit. I am so thankful for this journey. I am so aware of the Lord's hand in my life and feel so loved and so blessed. It definitely helps me go forward in this journey with a little more piece and comfort knowing he is the one still driving this journey as I sit next to him in the passenger seat.
November 16
Today is the first day of shots! Today starts the belly shots. I am so thankful for Ryan and his ability to give the shots to me. I get quesy when I look at the needle let alone having to put the needle in the my belly on my own. The needle isnt as big as the other ones that will start in a few weeks. I am thankful for starting out small and then working up to doing 3-4 shots a day. I sent a bunch of texts today to let people know that I truly love and care about that today is the day we start. I dont think I will do a lot of updates through the mass individual texting. I think I will leave it up to those that I love to make an effort to check on me. I know there are so many people who truly care and I want to be able to keep them informed and with no blog or facebook it is kind of hard to do that.
First day of Meds-one shot in the belly,
a steriod pill taken by mouth,
prenatals, birthcontrol, and folbic acid
First belly shot of doing all of this
hopefully soon it will be shots of a growing belly
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Here is the box full of needles and all the medication
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Here goes nothing!! Hoping to be able to withstand all that is coming my way. Praying for strength and courage. Praying for a miracle.
November 26
Today I had my baseline ultra sound with Dr. Sher. I dont know why I get so nervous but I do. I have felt many times that we are on the right path but even with that my heart drops and my stomach goes to the floor as I await for the news of what he sees on the pelvic ultrasound.
It is quick. He checks my lining and it is 4cm and says PERFECT and then checks the left ovary and says no cysts and no follicles PERFECT and then moves to the right ovary and says no cysts and no follicles and says PERFECT my dear!!! Continue on and I will see you next week!
BATTA BING BATTA BONG in and out very fast!
Ok- Here we go! Onto the heavy drugs tomorrow to start growing the follicles to prepare for next weeks egg retrieval. I cant believe that it is next week!!! How is this happening so fast?
Yesterday was the 25th of November. We are a month out from XMAS! I will know in less than 30 days if I am going to be a mom! It seems so surreal. I get emotional thinking about it. Thinking..................could this really be it? After all this time in less than a month
I WILL NO WITH OUT A DOUBT that I am pregnant. Oh man! It is a lot to take.
I hope the next 10 days go well as I am sticking my belly with 3 shots everyday..............
NOVEMBER 30
Today was the BIG day for the interlipid infusion!!! I am shocked that I am here again! Ryan was not able to go with me. I am so thankful that my best friend Nicole was able to go with me. It was a lot better than the time I went in Seattle. They are pros here at the Walgreens and had me in and out in less than 2 hours. I wish my viens werent so small! I hate that they always have the hardest time getting a needle in and then I have to deal with the PAIN!!! No wonder I hate needles!!! Here is a picture of Nicole and I! I have two BIG fears when it came to the IVF. One of them was today and the next one will be the egg retrieval. One of them down and now onto the next!! I am so surprised how well things are going! I am feeling great and handling all the belly shots pretty well. I have NO doubt it is because the Lord is blessing me. I feel so loved and so carried!!
DECEMBER 3
I was so nervous thinking, what if there isnt any eggs? What if all I have is cysts and we cant go forward? It was all thoughts I should have not been thinking and know that it wouldn't be true but still being apprehensive.
I had to wait almost 2 hours before being seen by Dr. Sher. It was cutting close to being able to get out there in time to make it to my appointment in the afternoon. I was glad that they called me when they did. I was shocked as Dr. Sher that I already had 16 eggs and they were mostly the size of 16cm and 18cm. I wasnt expecting that. Dr. Sher didnt seem upset but was shocked. He told me that the trigger shot would be tomorrow for the HCG and that he would see me on Thursday for egg retrieval.
I was shocked! I was thinking I wouldnt be back till Wed for another ultrasound. I left the office in kind of a shock. This is happening!
DECEMBER 6,
Today was the day that I was afraid of most! I hate going under! I hate having needles!! The HCG shot was so painful and I am still in shock that we are at this point already!!! Ryan went with me and sat with me as they started the IV. The first time they couldnt get it in!!! GRRRRR............I held my tongue and kept smiling. The nurse was so sweet and trying so hard. The second time worked and they rolled me away from Ryan and took me into the big room. Dr. Sher was so sweet and comforted me and before I knew it I awoke crying in the recovery room. The nurse was so sweet and told me it was ok. I awoke with the dream of holding my baby and I was crying because I thought it was so real! It hit me so hard at the moment that I am so close to that dream actually coming true! Ryan came in and sat with me as I had to wait to gain strength. Dr. Sher told us that they would call us tomorrow and let us know how many fertilized.
DECEMBER 7
Dr. Sher's office calls me and tells me 16 eggs were taken 9 fertilized and they will call me on Sunday and let me know how many have continued onto the next stage.
DECEMBER 9
Dr. Sher's office calls me and tells me that 7 eggs are moving forward. 3 of the eggs are moving at a faster rate but the other 4 still look good. They told me that Tuesday December 11th was tentative egg retrieval date and that they would call me at 9:30 on that morning to confirm
DECEMBER 11
Ryan takes off work and I lay in bed just watching the clock for 9:30 to come. About 9 I get this feeling that something is wrong. I keep telling myself stop thinking so negatively!!! I cant help it though. I just felt like something was not right. 9:30 comes and goes and I still havent heard from the doctors office. 10:00 comes and goes and I KNOW something is wrong!! I wait till 10:30 before I email the head lady asking if everything was ok. She emails me right back and tells me Dr. Sher will be calling me soon!
My heart drops! I know that he is not going to give me good news. I feel it in my bones. I know the spirit was preparing me. He calls minutes later and tells me that he feels he has messed up. He tells me I reacted to the drugs to quickly and my eggs grew to fast and too soon and they were not mature enough to make good fertilized eggs. He told me all my eggs have died except 1. He told me that the last egg did not look good and the likely hood of it making it to blastocyst tomorrow was very very slim! He told me to not give up hope and we shall see what tomorrow brings! He then tells me that if things dont work out he will do another free cycle for me.
I get off the phone and break down! WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!! How is this happening!!!! Ryan comes in and just holds me! I ask him if we could go to the temple. I said I know you have basketball practice so we can do initiatories and then sit in the celestial room. We sit in the Celestial room for sometime quiet. I just keep feeling that it was not going to be this time. The impressions were really strong. I kept telling myself NO, that cant be!! Why?? Ryan tells me that there is not any bad news. If the egg works great we can go forward if not then we have another try. I am so thankful for him. He always helps me see the positive about the situations that seem so horrible. He is always so calm and it is just what I needed. I felt so peaceful as we left the temple. I was not upset anymore and felt without a doubt that the egg would not work and that I needed to look forward to the next cycle.
We sent texts to our friends and families to pray for a miracle and if it is meant to be then the egg would make it. I was hopeful but my gut told me it wouldnt work.
DECEMBER 12
I await for the phone call in a different way this time. I was doing all kinds of things and preparing for the phone call to be that our cycle was a bust and to look forward to the springtime. 9:30 comes and I get the phone call BUT it was not the conversation I was expecting. They tell me my egg made it! It was ready to be implanted!!! WHAT???!!!?? I was shocked!!! I had not been expecting that at all. I had prepared for the worst and my miracle egg had made it.
Ryan and I go in at 12 on 12-12-12. All the nurses and Dr Sher were so excited for us! They all gave me a hug and said they were praying so hard for me! They all told me that they are pulling for us! They told me they just adore me! I was shocked! I told them they are too sweet! I was scared out of my mind for the process. I wasnt sure what to expect and I didnt want to have any pain since I would not be put under.
Dr. Sher's wife came in and sat with me before the procedure. She is so sweet. She just told me how wonderful I am and told me what to think about after the egg is implanted. She hugged me and told me that if this doesnt work she had told her husband that he will continue to try till it does!!! I thanked her and she left. Soon after Dr. Sher came in. He gave me a big hug and sat down and looked right at me and said, Do you remember what I told you yesterday? I said, to pray for a miracle? He said yes, but the most important thing, I told you that if this doesnt work I am going to do another cycle for you!! I have been told by my wife that I can not stop till you have a baby in your arms!! You are my daughter and I am too attached now! I thanked him.
It was the coolest experience!! Ryan and I got to watch him place the little egg in my uterus right on the ultrasound. After it was placed he left Ryan and I alone and we both just sat and stared at our sweet little baby right there on the big screen to look at and to pray for it to embed and stick and grow. Both of us had tears in our eyes as the reality of possibility of being parents was right there! It was so close!! This could be it!!! We got the picture of our miracle egg and the picture of the ultrasound to take home with us. I kept it close to me for the next few days as I laid in bed trying to rest and be calm. I kept thinking, if we got this far this has to be it!!! Heavenly Father wouldnt let me have another disappointment! I have been through so much this has to be it!
Our little miracle egg
December 21st
I went in for my first BETA blood test today. They told me they wouldnt tell me that I was pregnant or not till the next BETA on the 24th of December. I told myself that I have had WAY to many issues with pregnancy tests that I woulnt take one and just wait for the results. I felt peace the whole day and with both my parents and Ryan's dad in town for his graduation I was pretty busy entertaining them.
SUNDAY DECEMBER 23rd
I am home sick from a bad cold. I keep feeling that something is wrong. I am sad. I feel that it was a bust and the cycle didnt work. I tell myself to stop thinking that way!! Why do I always have to be so NEGATIVE!!! I decided that I would take a test in the morning and just know that it was negative and then be more prepared for the phone call.
MONDAY DECEMBER 24th XMAS EVE
I take a pregnancy test that morning. I was waiting for the blank line and for the negative to show like it always does. I walk back to look after a minute and I am shocked to see what I see!!!
WHAT!!!! NO!!!!!! REALLY!!!!!! My miracle egg worked!!!! I have a positive!!! Oh My Gosh!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!!!
I hadnt told anyone Ryan or my Parents that I had already done one blood test and I didnt tell them that I was going today. I wanted something to be a surprise. Now I will have a surprise!! I get in the car to go and get my blood drawn again for the beta. As I am driving I feel really uneasy!! I feel that something isnt right. I have my positive though, of course everything is ok!! I get my blood drawn and the nurse just smiles and gives me such a happy look which I know what she is trying to say to me with out saying it.
She told me she will call in an hour or so. I drive home still looking at my test with the BRIGHT second line but STILL feel uneasy. I walk in the door and was standing with Ryan and his dad when my phone rings. I pick it up. The nurse has this voice that I have heard before. My heart drops. She then tells me that my first beta was positive. She tells me I am pregnant. She then proceeds to tell me, I am so sorry Karmann but your second beta has gone down instead of doubling. I am so sorry to tell you this especially on Christmas but you are more than likely going to lose your baby. She tells me that they need to do another BETA on Wednesday and it will determine the outcome. There is a chance that my levels will go up but to not get my hopes up. I tell her thank you and get off the phone. I walked to my closest and fell to the ground.
WHAT? NO? HOW? WHY? Is this really happening again? Would Heavenly Father really allow this to happen to me YET AGAIN!? No, he wouldnt do that. There has to be a mistake! My levels will be ok! I tell myself that I cant let this ruin my Christmas and say a prayer for strength. Ryan comes into the room and asks whats going on? I tell him what was told to me. He holds me. We are quiet. He then tells me that we have next steps to look forward to and to remember to hold onto that. He is right. I feel this peace wash over me.
WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 26th
I awoke that morning and took another test. I knew what the test would read. I was right it was NEGATIVE as NEGATIVE could be. I knew the answer before I even had to hear what the blood test would tell me. As I drove to the LAB I felt this rush of comfort, rush of peace, rush of HOPE fall over me. I couldnt cry, I couldnt get upset, I just felt PEACE. I cant even begin to describe it. I truly know what it feels like to be carried by my Savior! I truly know what it means to feel his LOVE! I truly know what it feels like to feel OTHERS PRAYERS around me!!!
Dr. Sher called me at 10:30. I wasnt able to pick it up for I was at work. He left me the sweetest, kindest, most loving message. He told me how sorry he was and how he made a mistake and how he will do things differently this next time. He told me that God is in charge and to not give up hope and to not give up on him. He told me he loved me and that all will be ok.
I think the hardest part was telling my parents that it didnt work. The sorrow I saw on my mom's face hurt more than the news that I was going to miscarry again. I kept telling them that I was ok and I was. I felt such peace and by that peace knew that God was mindful of me and that he was in charge and knew the bigger picture than me.
Friday December 28th
I started miscarring the night before. I had a fever and the heavy cramping started. I thought I was prepared for what was coming. I mean I should know what to expect after doing this 8 other times but it has been so long and I was not as ready as I thought I was. I took a hot bath to relieve the pain and then I broke down. I cried hard and let out a heart wrench prayer of WHY!
The thought of Ryan's blessing that he gave to me right before we started this process. He told me that I would will endure a lot of pain but if I look to my Savior he will hold me and carry me and all will be ok. At that moment I did just what that blessing said to do! I looked to him and I gave everything to him. I stopped asking why, I stopped feeling pity, but realized that he knew what I was going to go through and was there with me and I could handle it and go forward.
The day was long and hard with heavy bleeding and cramping. We had friends come into town and we went to a concert. My prayers were that I could be with them and have a good time. My prayers were answered.
It's all over. Its been over a week now since it all happened. As I look back I realized that the Lord was preparing me from the start for this disappointment before I even realized it. I knew in the temple that it wasnt going to work. The spirit had testified that to me. I had heard it and felt it but with the things that happened I pushed it aside. I thought my blessing meant the pain that I felt after the egg retrival but it wasnt said for that it was said to help me with another loss.
I am so grateful for the Gospel in my life! I am so grateful for the power of the Holy Ghost. I will continue to try to listen to it better but that I believe will be a life lesson. I cant express enough to all of you that fasted for Ryan and I, prayed for Ryan and I, and have sent messages, emails, phone calls, ect to see how I am doing. I am in awe with how lucky we are to have such wonderful people in our life. I have FELT your prayers!!! I have been carried because of all of you!!!!
I cant thank you enough!!!!
I know we all have our own trials that we face. I pray that you can feel the love of your Heavenly Father and your Savior. I pray that you too can be carried the way I have.
Comments
I cried when I read this passage because your faith is so unmovable. Yours is an inspiring story and many prayers are being spent in your behalf.