DESOLATION

des·o·la·tion 

In Sunday School a couple of weeks ago our teacher talked about the word desolation. She described how she found a new meaning to the word rather than the normal one we think of as emptiness or total destruction. I always thought of the word to mean a deserted place where no one lives anymore. There is another meaning to it and it struck a cord with me. It also means 

ANGUISHED MISERY or LONELINESS

I sat there thinking a lot about that and it has continued to be on my mind the past 2 weeks. 

January flew by for me. In fact I have to say it has been the fastest January I can remember in a long time and it is usually the HARDEST month for me to make it through. It already is a let down for me due the holidays over, company gone, and the fact that I have to go back to reality can make me kind of depressed. Plus adding the outcome of the IVF process I was dreading January even more. But January was not typical for me. It was a month were I could not stop smiling, could not stop moving and grooving even though I struggled with the flu and cold over and over, I felt like I was in a happy bubble that was taking me on the best ride of my life. I felt like it could be this way forever! 

Then the 1st of February hit and unannounced to me I think my bubble got a tiny whole in it. I think instead of popping all at once it gradually became deflated. All the sudden as each day went on I felt more and more alone. I tried to shake the feeling and focus on the sunshine outside, my kids for work, and how amazing Ryan and I's relationship has been but this bubble had slowly gone away and left this heavy burden and dark cloud over me. I found myself crying myself to sleep asking Heavenly Father why am I feeling this way? I never felt like I could get an answer. My brother called me in the middle of all of this and left me a message that he had an incredible experience about me and our family. He was crying as he left the message and I cried as I knew that through him I was not alone. I wanted to feel something like that though. I wanted to know what it was. I needed it as I felt like I was in desolation. I got a card from a friend that was out of the blue that again made me realize that I was being thought of. The little things helped as I was trying to stay afloat. 

I have tried to figure it out. I have continued to do all the things I normally do that would bring me out of this but nothing was helping. I found myself wanting to sleep, not wanting to exercise, I lost my drive to do a lot of things. I was beginning to start to put on the "show" for the outside world to see but when I got home " letting me" out. 

I know my period came the first week of February. I know that it had to do a little bit. Even though I know that I have been given the blessings of the knowledge to know all about my body and the blessing of how to fix it to help me have a baby it still doesnt stop me from thinking, He is all powerful. He is all knowing. He is greater than man. I know through him if it is meant to be I can get pregnant with out having to do IVF. I hear miracle stories of that all the time. Heard a couple of them this past month. Then I sit and wonder, why not me? Why does so and so get to have that happen but yet I still have to look forward to the ever emotional challenge of IVF AND the probability of I dont know if it will work or not. I am tired. Even though I know I will NEVER give up I am so tired......

I then get on myself for feeling the way that I do. I dont like to feel Wo is me and compare like that. It isnt right nor is it healthy. I also keep it all inside because I dont like for people to see my weakness. I am suppose to be strong. I am not suppose to let anyone down. 

Last week I felt this overwhelming draw to go to the temple. I planned a few times last week but ended up in bed instead sleeping. I just couldnt get the energy to go. The feeling intensified as the weekend came closer. I dont know how I got out of bed Sat morning and drove myself there but I did. I sat there for sometime in the Celestial Room crying. I just sat pleading for strength to do all that is coming that I am afraid to do all over again. Pleading to have the strength for what ever outcome comes from it.  I sat there pleading to feel the way I did right after the miscarriage and all through January. I left feeling better but still not where I wanted to be. 

Some wise friends have given me great comfort with their words and have enlightened me. They helped me realize that this time and feeling I am going through is for sure for my growth. I know that he has not left me and I know that I am not alone but for some reason it is not as strong and that is so hard. I enjoyed that bubble so very much!!! Both friends said the same thing to me and I have thought about it a lot. They both said, " even the Savior right before he atoned for us felt alone and plead with the father, Father if it be thy will take this cup from me. It reminded me that even our Savior struggled for a few moments right before he took on the greatest, hardest, more unbearable task and in that moment right before he did it, felt alone. But he persevered and endured so much to give us all the most incredible blessing and in the end, he received his reward. They also both said to me, I think you are feeling more alone because the task before you even though it seems hard to bear is going to be your miracle and for some reason you must prove your faith even more and by doing that must go with what I dont want to do. 

I dont know if I am even making any sense. I felt so strongly to write this all down tonight. I always feel better after I write. I will be fine! I will keep going! Its just how I am. For some reason there is a pull inside of me that I cant stop going forward. That's a blessing in and of it self! 


PS: Thank you everyone for you sweet emails, texts, calls, and love the past month. You have no idea how much it meant to me. I love you all so very much!