Sending out an S.O.S.

I am sure that you all remember or have heard of the song, Message in a Bottle, and the ending chorus saying,

"Sending out and S.O.S."

The chorus has been ringing in my head the past week. As I think back on what has been occuring over the past few months maybe even years, I think that my body was finally getting the message to my brain after a VERY long time, that I need help and I need it fast!

My body has been trying to shout out the CRY in so many ways but I disreguarded it and brushed it a side.

How could :

extreme fatigue,
loss of hair,
want for sleep and more sleep,
 the want to be alone,
crying uncontrolablly for no reason,
series of rage and then guilt,
saddness,
being amongst so many people that love me but feel alone,
acne like I was a teenager again but I never experienced acne as a teenager so it made my feelings of myself even worse,
grey hairs popping up all over my head where they werent there a week ago, or even months ago,
feeling like I was a light switch- turn on the happy smile and do your thing and when at home turn it off and become numb to the world around and
the loss of desire to do anything that I love doing

NOT be a CRY that my body and mind need HELP!

So I took some of those feelings and did my google search: adrenal glands strained or hypothryoidism, hormonal imbalance due to those two things being off. THAT"S IT!!! Of course!

So I took the next step to getting those MEDICAL situations undercontrol and who do you see to fix that?- a Gynocolgist! Talked to family members about someone that is not only good at figuring out hormonal imbalances but someone who could take another gander at my infertility issues and maybe just maybe I could allow myself to go down that awful road again.

Found her- called her- got an appointment through CANCELATION only waited 3 weeks instead of 3 months- SO EXCITED to get to the BOTTOM of things and to fix what I thought was wrong- THYROID.

Those of you who know me well know that I am SENSITIVE and have a TENDER heart, I am VERY affectionate and tend to over due my welcome with love you's and hugs- but you love that about me and give it to me cause you know I need it-

I DONT take harshness, abruptness, and BOLDness easily even though at times it is necesarry- This GYN thought it was NECESSARY and was JUST her personality.

I tell her my story, my issues, my background of childhood issues, and look to her for answers.............

ANSWERS- I wanted to hear and I didnt get -

I got ANSWERS my insides, my subconsious, and what my Heavenly Father WANTED me to hear!

YOU are DEPRESSED, she says- boldly, bluntly, and with harshness! I gasp and try to hold myself together- in my mind I am scrambing to get a hold of the words she just told me!

She then gets right in my face and says again-

DO YOU UNDERSTAND what I AM TELLING YOU? YOU ARE DEPRESSED!!!

Yes, I understand you dont have to treat me like I am two, I think to myself, but I am trying to process what you have just said as it has cut me to the core and you have no EMOTION or EMPATHY towards me right now!!!

I then ask her are you sure it is not my thyroid? I have been tired, losing lots of hair, emotional and then she interupts me- How LONG have you been tired? I JOKINGLY say with a smile, trying to make this conversation somewhat bareable, ALL MY LIFE, haha lol- She did not think it was funny and immideately said-

YOU ARE DEPRESSED!!!

I suggest you start exercising more, start putting a smile on your face, and get a light and have a very bright get ready room in the morning before work.

Again looks at me and says-

DO YOU UNDERSTAND what I AM TELLING you??

At that point I wanted to say-

DO you KNOW what I think you have?

I have a Degree in AUTISM and I am PRETTY dang SURE you have ASPERGERS!!! Someone with such a brillant mind but absolutly NO feelings and NO social skills definite RED FLAGS in my world of a CAREER but of course,

I say YES and she says she will wait to see my records from AZ and then will see me in two weeks to go over her plan for pregnancy and walks out of the room.

I take 10 minutes before leaving the exam room to compose myself as I have sat pretty much naked on the stupid table crying and feeling even more

ALONE and CONFUSED.

Leave the office trying to get a grip of what was just said to me. Going over in my mind

AM I?

Is this really what is going on?

Am I depressed? No, that's not it, is it?

The next day I go to work and I talk with one of my friends as I sit and tell her the story of what occured the previous day and as i start to say the word

Depressed- I cant get through the sentence without crying- it then occurs to me-

I AM DEPRESSED- that mean WOMAN is right-

NOW WHAT DO I DO?   

Coming to terms with it didnt help my mental sate. I went home Friday afternoon and curled up in a ball in my room. I was not feeling well so being in bed didnt put any alarms to Ryan and there I stayed.

and Stayed
and Stayed
and Stayed

When I was awake I was crying. Phone calls were made to me but I couldnt get up, couldnt get moving- DESIRE was there but MOVEMENT was still.

Ryan and his two brothers went to a out door concert that afternoon and were going to be back late. I lay crying and pleading to Heavenly Father for help, WHAT am I suppose to do? How am  I supose to go about this, I need your Help!!! Just then i get a text message from Ryan- Call the Ward Secratary and lists his number. I call right away. He tells me the Bishop wants to see me tomorrow at 10:30 and can I do that?

YES- of course!

I get off the phone, go straight to my knees, and thank my Heavenly Father for hearing my cries. I knew Bishop was my out, my help, my person to turn to for Refuge. He spent an hour with me, listening to me, letting me cry, and justifing all the feelings that I have felt for the past 6 years. He was the person I needed one who as soon as i started to cry LEAPED off his chair put his arms around me and held me as I let so many things off my chest. He counciled me, read scriptures with me, and carried my burdens.

He then proceeded to tell me that a month ago he felt that he needed to release his current Ward Secratary and told him that he was being called as a Sunday School teacher. He then told the guy that he looked over the roster of people but did not have his replacement yet and as soon as he knew he would let him go. He then told me that when he shook Ryan's hand the first time he met us an OVERWHELMING feeling came over him and the spirit told him Ryan was his next Secratary. Thoughts of how I felt when we walked into the Apartment complex came rushing to my mind. I knew as soon as we stepped into the office that we were where we were suppose to be. Ryan always laughs at me when I say stuff like that but I had been praying hard to make sure we found a place that we were suppose to be in like I have done with every move. We walked into that apartment complex and within a week were moved in. It was quick and fast and so MEANT to be!  I then regain my focus as Bishop tells me we were meant to be in this ward and i tell him I so Agree! He then asked me if I wanted to see someone to talk about my depression. I said I FEEL that it is the next thing for me to do. He then tells me-

You are meant to be in this ward as well. We have someone here in our ward you can talk to. He introduced me to her right before sacrament. A sweet woman in her seventies. I called her Sunday night and she tells me she had a cancelation tomorrow at six-

It couldnt have worked out more perfectly- I get home around six. At work I look in our Provider book to see if she is on my insurance. Sure enough she is- so not by accident!

Meeting with her was PERFECT- I have no DOUBT that she is my NEXT stepping STONE of my path to bettering my HEALTH.

I have done all the CHECKS for my Physcial Body-

Gluten Free-
Candida Free- ( took six months but I am good to go!)
Colon cleansed
Back fixed

Now it is time to work on the EMOTIONAL part

start healing from the emotions of:
8 miscarriages
6 years of trying
infertility in general
guilt
anger
resentment
jealousy
my self worth
habits that are destructive to the body
being around family
living in WA
dealing with others around me being pregnant and getting pregnant
the list goes on and on

TIME to:

OVERCOME.
LET GO.
MOVE ON.

I am not writing this for WANT of sympothy but-
to get it off my chest AND
EMBRACE what is going on AND
making it known to those that I love and care about is the only way it can be REAL to me

By making it REAL makes it a REASON to fix!

The more I read about DEPRESSION the more I read of how it goes
HAND in HAND with INFERTILITY.

This weekend marks the 6th year of trying. This month is usually one of the hardest months to get myself up and going. Isnt it funny that all of this occured right before this weekend, the Anniversary of trying. The month where we celebrate my nieces first birthday, a first birthday that i could have been celebrating if I hadnt lost my little one.This is the time of year that I dread with EVERY fiber of my being! I hate Holdiay times!

I cannot DENY the HANDS of HEAVENLY FATHER as he has not FORSAKEN me or LEFT me ALONE but CONTINUES to LEAD me, GUIDE me, and WALK beside me down my path.


Even though it has been a HARD path, it's mine and I am to CONTINUE to look to my SAVIOR for support and NEVER DENY his HANDS in my LIFE!

Thanks for listening and not judging! Love you all!