Keep Reaching for your DREAM

This is my Senior year picture. It is 20 years old this past May. I am 37 years old right now. I will be 38 on September 5th. As I look back at my life right now to that time; it is NOTHING what I thought it was going to be. Is it ever though? Is it ever like we had thought it would go when we were in middle school or high school?

NOPE! I don't think I have ever met anyone who put out on paper what they would like to be, have, and do by 40 and successfully achieved it all. Life is just not like that.

Ever since I was a little girl my dream was to be a mom. As a five year old I carried my baby dolls all around with me and it was a passion from the beginning. As I got older I surrounded myself around children. I loved being with them. I couldn’t wait till I was old enough to babysit. I started babysitting when I was 11 years old and I continued to spend my free time all throughout high school around children. I was the baby whisperer. I could rock and hold a baby for hours. It made me so happy! I worked at daycares from age 16 all the way through my 4 years of college. It was just something I loved and I was good at. All along though; I couldn't wait to grow up and I have my own. The kids loved me but they didn’t love me like they loved their mom. I couldn’t wait until I had my own to love me that way.

When I was 15 my dream was to graduate from high school, marry mr. right after my first year in college, have 10 kids, be a stay at home mom, and live happily ever after!

I now laugh when I think about this dream! At the time it really was what I thought would happen. I had been told my whole growing up I wouldn't last one semester at college before getting married. I would be the best mom and be driving that big van with my beautiful family of 12. I thought it was going to be easy. I thought achieving this dream is just what you did. We are taught in our faith that family is the most important thing and being a Mother is the most important job.

Bachlor's Degree when I met Ryan.  I met him while I was home in Chicago from college for the Summer and he was a missionary for our church in my home church. I talked to him maybe twice. He ended his mission in August of 2002 and at the same time I went back to Utah State. We later met up in Utah in November of 2002 through our dear family friends. In fact they were the family I wanted to grow up and be like. She was a mom of 10 kids and I had babysat her children from the time that they had 5 children. When I look back at our courtship it is kind of crazy to think about. It was fast. We were reunited in November, started serious dating January 31st, engaged two weeks later on February 14, and we married Memorial Day weekend in May. I was 22 almost 23 and he was 21. I always swore I would marry someone who had a college degree. He would be ready to take on his career so I could be a stay at home mom! Well, that was not the case either. We married on May 24, 2003. He didn't have any schooling done. In fact even after 15 years of marriage he is still in school. He is working on his PHD.

I wanted  have babies right away but we couldn't. I had to wait 9 months due to a lump removed from my left breast right before we were married. The doctor also had concerns for endometriosis. He wanted to monitor me.

In April 2004; I had my first miscarriage. We got pregnant on birth control. I was shocked. I was naive. It was unexpected. As I think about it now; I remember the process of the going through the the miscarriage but it not really fazing me. It just made me want to be a mom even more. It made me hopeful that when it was right we would get pregnant right away! Why wouldn't we?

 In October 2004, we were cleared by the doctor and we decided to start trying. We didn't tell anyone we were trying. I wanted to keep it a secret. I love surprises and I had it all planned out how I would tell Ryan's parents and mine.

I just knew it was going to happen on the first try! Isn't that how it works? I had never been told that it wouldn't happen when you wanted it too. In my mind that was how it worked.  I thought you just decided when you wanted to start your family and BAM you are pregnant the following month!

I had everything ready for it. I bought the pregnancy tests. I had read all the books. I had my basal thermometer and charts. I had been practicing, watching, and charting my temperature for the past year. I knew when I ovulated. My cycle was clock work each month! I had it down! It was go time!

I was in denial when I started to spot after the two week wait. In fact we were on our way to the Utah Utes semi finals football game in San Diego and I didn't even bring tampons. I was adamant that it worked!! I was sure I was going to be pregnant. It took a big red mess in my pants to finally face the reality that it didn't work. Even with needing to wear a tampon; I was not completely convinced. I had heard from friends you could still bleed and be pregnant. It was for sure how it was for me too! I took a test just knowing in my heart it would be positive. When only one red line showed I was in such disbelief.  How could it not have worked? How was this possible? I was so bummed. I felt so defeated. It took a few days to actual pick myself up from the disappointment. I then thought to myself. Karmann, there is always next month! Its going to for sure happen next month! I put my big girl panties on, put a smile on my face, and decided to be excited for next month!

 Little did I know, on that day, it would be another 9 years before it would actually be a reality of two red lines on those dumb tests and see a beating heart on the ultrasound. During those next 9 years I would have a lot more denial big red messes in my pants, see A LOT more single red lines on those dumb tests, see a few faint two red lines, and I would endure 8 more miscarriages.

I will go into more detail later of the process we went through in those 9 years. I will go more into detail about the miscarriages. I will go into more detail about our process of adoption and how it failed. I will go into more detail on what we found with our unexplained infertility, failed IVF, how we finally had a successful IVF, and how we were finally blessed with our son. I will then go on later to go into detail our second infertility struggle and how we got our baby girl. I will go into more detail later on my diagnosis of Bi-Polar at the young age of 9. I will go in to more detail of how this childhood battle would cause hardship and struggle in and of its own in the journey to be a mom and how it still is a struggle to this day.

Those issues will be addressed. We got a lot of time right? Yes, we do! I am excited!

I want this post to be about how we didn't give up on our dream. We kept pushing, we kept moving forward, we kept reaching for our dream.

I want to encourage you know matter where you are in your dream don't stop chasing it! If you feel it is what you are suppose to do, keep doing it!

There were many years where people thought I should just give up on the process of becoming a mom. I had gone through so much and it obviously was not going to happen. My body obviously was not cut out to have a child.

I want to SHOUT IT OUT LOUD: If you FEEL it in your GUT that you are suppose to KEEP CHASING this dream, DO IT! Don't let anyone STOP you, don't let your disappointments discourage you, KEEP GOING!

I wouldn't have these two miracles calling me mom if I had given up on my dream. I would not have them if I hadn't listened to my gut!!! I needed to continue on even when everything was telling me to stop. This is why I am doing this blog and instagram page! I want to send HOPE!

I am curious to know where you are in achieving your dream?
How many years?
How many miscarriages?
How many attempts at IUI?
How many attemtps at IVF?
How many have you thought about adoption?
Are you in the process of adoption?
Are you currently getting ready for IVF?
Are you currently getting ready for IUI?
Are you in cycle right now?
Do you experience depression?
Do you experience anxieties?

What questions can I answer for you as you continue to chase your dream?
What can I do for you to help you as you continue to chase your dream?

What is the most important topic in your life right now that you would want to hear from me?

As I continue to go forward with his blog I want to share my story but also be a source of love, support, and hands on help.

I love to be there for my friends as they start out or are in any of these above areas. It is my passion.

We can do this together!


All my love,
Karmann